It's episode 118... and if you send one of ours to the hospital, we'll send one of yours to the morgue...

The Untouchables (1987) tells the story of the task force charged with bringing down Chicago crime boss, Al Capone. Elliot Ness and his men have to fight fire with fire, and bring down the kingpin who has left every member of the city living in continual fear of violence.

We talk about the merits of decriminalising banned substances; the safety concerns associated with standard-issue police weapons; and the benefits of doing things quite literally by the book..

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 117... and be a doll, and give it a listen...

The Boy (2016) tells the story of Greta, an American who moves to the English countryside to work as a nanny for a wealthy couple. The couple leave on holiday, but not before revealing that the child Greta will be looking after is actually a doll with a porcelain head.

No, really...

We talk about the dangers of mollycoddling; the benefits of seeking protection from an institutional agency set up to protect you; and the minutia of logistics for taxi drivers around the UK.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 116... and we want to play a game...

Jigsaw (2017) tells the story of a group of people who become trapped in contrived torture devices as punishment for sins they're perceived to have committed. The person behind it appears to be John Kramer - but he's been dead for ten years - so is he back from the dead? Or is someone else behind it? There's only one way to find out.

We talk about the dangers of being a police officer in Jigsawville; the merits of collaborating with a serial killer; with twists you'll never see coming...

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure:

The game is simple. The best ones always are.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

The Saw franchise is one of the most successful series of horror movies in cinematic history, and with Jigsaw (2017) in cinemas now, Chris and Joe felt it was finally time to tackle John Kramer's sinister games - all in one sitting.

In this special bonus episode Chris and Joe talk through their experience of watching through all 7 Saw movies for the first How to Survive video podcast. Though they talk through all the traps, twists and tantrums in the 11-hour long ordeal, there's really no replacement for watching the full video at HowtoSurviveShow.com

All of which leads to one question...

Why haven't you watched it yet?

Watch the full video now: https://youtu.be/V_3H8KjMuUo

It's episode 115... and we're gonna be great friends...

Creep (2014) tells the story of Aaron, a freelance videographer who is hired by the mysterious Joseph to film a secret video at Joseph's wilderness retreat. Before long, Aaron begins to realise Joseph really is a 'creep' - but will he be able to escape the danger he's in before it's too late?

We talk about the merits of clear communication with the emergency services; the appropriate way to behave when in charge of an automobile; and we confront maybe the worst police we've come across in any movie yet.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure:

You're not real! You're made of moonlight!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 114... and time for a romantic getaway...

Gerald's Game (2017) tells the story of Jessie, who travels to a rural retreat with her husband, Gerald. Once there, they engage in some light bondage, and Jessie is handcuffed to the bed, but after a quarrel, Gerald drops dead! Now chained to the bed, Jessie seems to be stuck with no hope of rescue. How will she survive?

We talk about the importance of not wasting valuable resources in a survival situation; the limitations of virtual assistants; and the general importance of making good on any escape plan.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure:

You're not real! You're made of moonlight!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 112... and we all float down here...

IT (2017) tells the story of a group of teenage friends in the town of Derry. A number of children in the town disappear, and our heroes race to uncover the truth before it's too late. (All while fighting for their lives against an evil dancing clown...)

We talk about the importance of not leaving severely damning evidence when reporting crimes; the benefits of becoming a teenage runaway; and the risks of attacking your victims in broad daylight in open spaces.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure:

You'll float too!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 111... and we're finally finished!

Friday the 13th (2009) is a reboot which tells the story of a group of teenagers who spend the night around Camp Crystal Lake and get picked off one by one. The perpetrator? Jason Voorhees (which actually makes this a reboot of Friday the 13th: Part 2...)

We talk about the importance of recognising your own tolerance for parties; the benefits of sensible gun handling; and we finally say goodbye to our arch nemesis (until the next inevitable remake...).

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure:

People go missing around here, they're gone for good. Outsiders come, they don't know where to walk. They bring trouble. We just want to be left alone. And so does he.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 110... and I don't know if the house is haunted, but I hope it is.

Paranormal Activity 2 (2010) tells the story of the Rey family. Shortly after the birth of their new son, the Reys begin experiencing strange goings-on in their home. All signs point to a haunting - and when the main characters from the first film show up you know there's going to be trouble...

We talk about the importance of sharing critical information about hauntings with similarly afflicted family members; as well as the hysterical idolatry of a mostly forgettable horror movie victim, and more!

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 109... and we may be a podcast, but we're not a f*cking podcast.

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996) tells the story of two brothers, Seth and Richie, who get into a bad situation when they kidnap a family on a road trip and escape to Mexico They head to a bar for the night, but all is not what it seems with the bar's staff and patrons  

We hash out optimal business hours for mythical creatures; the importance of keeping your promises; and more!

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...

If you try to run, I've got six little friends and they all run faster than you do  

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 108... and may we come in?

Let the Right One In (2008) tells the story of Oskar, a young boy who is bullied at school, and makes friends with his new neighbour, Eli. They form a tight bond, but all is not as it seems with Eli, and why does she only come out at night?

We address the logistics of harvesting blood from members of the public; the poor economy of helping a mythical creature feed; and the benefits of travelling in the dead of night. 

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

Att fly är livet, at dröja döden

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 107... and something wicker this way comes...

The Wicker Man (1973) tells the story of Sgt. Howie of the Scottish constabulary. Howie is sent to the remote Hebredian island of Summerisle to investigate the disappearance of a young girl. What he finds is a town devoted to pagan rituals, but could  something more sinister be brewing under the surface? (The answer is yes).

We discuss the importance of not drinking on the job; the lethal risks of a life of chastity; and the merits of a strong negotiation strategy when dealing with cult leaders.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

Take a seat. I believe it is better to receive a shock with the knees bent.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 106... and look what's happened to Rosemary's Baby...

Rosemary's Baby (1968) tells the story of Rosemary, a young woman who falls pregnant after moving into a new home. But the pregnancy is fraught with unusual side-effects, and her creepy neighbours won't leave her alone.

We discuss the importance of supervising the preparation of your food; the limitations of hiding in plane sight; and when all is said and done, why not just go with it?

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

No pope ever visits a city where the newspapers are on strike.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 105... and do you want to play a game of hide and clap?

The Conjuring (2013) tells the story of Ed and Lorraine Warren, paranormal investigators who are called upon to help the Perron Family. The Perrons have just moved into a new home, and all signs (from dead animals to suspicious bruising) seem to point to a haunting! 

We discuss the importance of calling upon law enforcement in times of need; the risks of keeping dangerous objects in a house with a child; and the importance of thorough research when planning to buy a home.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

Diabolical forces are formidable. These forces are eternal, and they exist today. The fairy tale is true. The devil exists. God exists. And for us, as people, our very destiny hinges upon which one we elect to follow.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

Jurassic Park (1993) tells the story of Dr. Grant and Dr. Sattler, two paleontologists (well, one paleontologist and one paleobotanist...) who are summoned to a new theme park to make sure it is safe for visitors. The theme at the park is 'dinosaurs', and the park's owner, John Hammond has been able to clone real dinosaurs from their blood, preserved in amber.

Before long, the park's systems fail, and it becomes a classic case of man vs. The Cloneasaurus Rex.  

We discuss what it means to spare no expense; the importance of finding the right man for the job; and the dangers of stopping halfway when it comes to genetic design.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates podcasts....

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 103... and you're one ugly motherf**ker..

Predator (1987) tells the story of Major Allan 'Dutch' Schaefer, a mercenary who takes on the job of rescuing a kidnapped diplomat in the Venezuelan jungle. Along with his team, they soon realise they've been double-crossed by Dutch's old friend, CIA operative, 'Dillon'. The two are soon at each other's throats, and then an alien shows up and starts killing everyone.

We discuss the ethics of intergalactic game hunting; the benefits of a tight-lipped approach to stealth; and of course, the safest way to store explosives when you're in an eighties action movie.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

If it bleeds, we can kill it...

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 102... and you can't trust anyone but family...

It Comes at Night (2017) tells the story of Paul and his family, who have survived a plague and now live in a house in the woods, desperate to stay protected from disease and would-be attackers. Their volatile existence is threatened when a man breaks in. And that's about as much as we can say without spoiling it...

We discuss the finer points of interior design; the importance of maintaining a positive attitude to health and safety, even during a crisis; and a cost-benefit analysis of killing everyone you come into contact with on sight.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

We never go out at night. Got it?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 101...and that goalie was pissed about something..

Freddy vs. Jason (2003) tells the story of Freddy Krueger, an evil phantom who haunts teenagers and kills them in their dreams. With his power weakening, he enlists the help of Jason Voorhees, the Camp Crystal Lake killer. Why? Because they needed to be crowbarred together somehow.

We discuss the benefits of keeping your mouth shut when you're on the run; the economics of drugging an entire town of people; and the importance on establishing a solid rationale for a project, before awakening an unstoppable wraith who loves killing teenagers.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

You're not even scary. And let's talk about the butter knives. What is with the butter knives? You trying to compensate for something? Maybe coming up a little short there between the legs?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 100!!!!! ...and things are going bump in the night...

Paranormal Activity (2009) tells the story of Micah and Rachel, a young couple whose lives are turned upside down when they are haunted by a demon. We see their lives unravel through videotapes made by the couple during their gradual demise, in the most carefully edited and dramatised 'found footage' movie yet.

We discuss the benefits of trusting the experts; the merits of leaving your house the instant you know beyond any reasonable doubt that it's haunted; and the best idea of all: throw a massive house party.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

Basically, they're these malevolent evil spirits that only exist to make podcasts for their own amusement. It's pretty creepy- I mean, they've been doing this for years, like decades, and sometimes they're really intelligent in the way they do things to freak you out.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 99... and we all go a little mad sometimes....

Psycho (1960) tells the story of Marion Crane; a young woman who steals a large sum of money from her employer and runs away to meet up with her secret lover. On the way to meet him, she stops for the night at the Bates Motel, and surely nothing can go wrong there...

We discuss the importance of always having diagnostic criteria ready to go; the benefits of a good alibi; and the old age practice of locking the door while you're in the bathroom.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

A boy's best friend is his mother!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 98... and I'm drawing a line in the f**king sand here. Do not read the Latin!

The Cabin in the Woods (2011) tells the story of a group of teenage friends who decide to spend the weekend at a remote cabin in some remote woods. Once they arrive at the cabin, bad things start to happen. But everything is not as it seems...

We have our first Quick-Fire Survival Round; we discuss the benefits of using the 'surviving ally' horror trope to your benefit; and the benefits of using the 'surviving enemy' horror trope to your benefit.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

Statistical fact: Cops will never pull over a man with a huge bong in his car. Why? They fear this man. They know he sees further than they and he will bind them with ancient logics.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 97... and another mist opportunity...

The Mist (2007) tells the story of David, a family man whose world is turned upside down when he and his son (and a bunch of townsfolk) are forced to shelter in a supermarket when a thick mist descends on their town. This is no straightforward weather problem, as hidden within the mist are all manner of violent and disgusting monsters - and they seem intent on killing everyone in the supermarket.

We discuss how the importance of quickly killing everyone in your family weighed against the merits of not killing anyone in your family; the most effective way to convert someone away from dogmatic religion; and the benefits of keeping your mouth shut when confronted with an angry mob.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

As a species we're fundamentally insane. Put more than two of us in a room, we pick sides and start dreaming up reasons to kill one another. Why do you think we invented politics and religion?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 96... and we're all in a spin...

Twister (1996) tells the story of Jo and Bill, an estranged husband and wife who share a love of chasing tornadoes in the name of scientific research. Brought back together, they seek to use Bill's invention to record what happens INSIDE a tornado - but in order to do that, they have to get dangerously close to the monstrous cyclone...

We discuss how intellectual property laws can save lives when chasing deadly weather; we offer a quick word on the benefits of resource preparation; and a reminder to always keep food in the house in case of unexpected guests.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

That's no moon. It's a space station!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 95... and It hasn't got a name. It's a new system. I wanted us all to discover it! No one's ever been down here before.

The Descent (2005) tells the story of a group of women who travel deep into an underground cave system in the name of adventure. As is the way with horror movies, they become trapped, and soon begin to realise that they might not be alone...

We wonder at length why anyone would want to go into a narrow cave; we bring advice to the caving world from the world of water activities; and we continue to wonder at length why anyone would want to go into a narrow cave.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

[Sarah is trapped in a tunnel and Beth is trying to calm her down with a joke]

Hey, you love this one, "How do you give a lemon an orgasm?" You tickle its citrus!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.