*Editors note: As with the Home Alone episode, we recorded this in Joe's echoey garage - so it sounds a bit weird. Sorry!*
It's Boxing Day! That can only mean one thing - we find another random Christmas film to cover because there are only really two Die Hard films that are related to Christmas. Why not cover one of the many, many Christmas-themed horror movies, given that we are a horror podcast, I hear you ask? Well, because then we wouldn't be covering the Arnie-led slapstick classic Jingle All The Way.
As you'd expect from a Christmas movie this episode is all about disappointing your family members, poor administrative application, being unable to recognise your husband at a a distance of 5ft, inappropriate handling of suspect packages and whether anyone would really hit on Arnold Schwarzenegger's wife.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: It's Turbo Time!
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
*Editors note: We recorded in Joe's garage for the first time using unfamiliar equipment, so the audio sounds a bit spacier than usual. Apologies!*
It's Christmas! That can only mean one thing - we retread old traditions despite no-one finding the joy in them that we once had. In that spirit, we tackle the unloved, unwanted child of the Home Alone franchise - the made-for-TV Home Alone: The Holiday Heist (2012).
It's lumps of coal for Christmas all round as we unwrap another certifiable stinker - bland family humour, joyless retooling of traps from previous editions and, bafflingly, Malcolm McDowell as the main villain. Pour yourself a mulled wine as your two favourite podcasting Tiny Tims mull, and whine about once again ending up on the podcast naughty list.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I don't care, and I can't hear you.
Look out for another special podcast hitting your feeds on Boxing Day!
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
It's episode 219...I've had it with these...well, you know the rest.
Snakes on a Plane (2006) tells the story of cool surfer dude Sean who inadvertently witnesses a gangland murder and winds up under the protection of FBI agent Flynn. Can Flynn get Sean back to Los Angeles to testify, or will the nefarious Eddie Kim try and kill Sean before he arrives - maybe by, I don't know, filling the entire plane with horny snakes?
We flick our forked tongues over a B-movie with a Hollywood budget, Joe questions Samuel L Jackson's acting legacy and we ask whether it's possible there might just have been a simpler solution for Eddie Kim's problem than filling a jumbo jet with snakes?
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Time is tissue.
Next week, it's Christmas time, and on that can only mean one thing...
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
It's episode 218...and they made some mess too. Smashing into buildings and everything. They always make a mess.
The Birds (1963) tells the story of some birds who, sick and tired of having the unfettered freedom of the skies, wish to rise up and attack the land-dwelling human population too. So, they migrate, only this time, they're migrating straight into your eyes, beaks-first, and there's not a damn thing you, me, Mitch or poor Melanie Daniels can do about it.
We discuss one of the all-time classics of the horror genre - does it stand up after all these years? More importantly, does it walk on two taloned feet? Does it dive at you as you're filling your car with petrol and, most importantly, does it lurk behind you in the school playground as you're innocently having your tenth cigarette of the morning waiting at the school where your beau's ex-lover works to check on your beau's younger sister at the behest of your beau's mother? Plus, we ask which weapon is best for killing birds - a baseball bat or a tennis racket? Also, should you stalk a man you barely know for the sake of a prank? All this, and many more Hitchcock impressions than you could ever want or need.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: The very concept is unimaginable. Why, if that happened, we wouldn't have a chance!
Next week, we continue 'Animals in Films' season with the oft-requested and long-awaited Snakes on a Plane (2006)
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
It's episode 217...how dare you disobey your mother?!
Coraline (2009) tells the story of Coraline (duh), a precocious and bored 11-year old girl who discovers an alternate world hidden through a tunnel in her house, where everything is exactly as it seems and it's all fine and there's nothing at all to worry about, the end. Except for rats, bats, button-eyes, and the nefarious Other Mother.
We ask whether animated 'horror' can ever be scary, if body-free body horror exists, Joe proposes a baseball bat-shaped solution to Coraline's woes, and we delve into the murky world of MK-Ultra with the help of a spurious conspiracy theory website.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Now you're going to stay here forever.
Next week, you'll be flocking back to the podcast for the start of 'Animals in Films' season with an all-time classic: Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds (1963).
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
It's episode 216...and I’m running away from myself, I guess.
Doctor Sleep (2019) is Mike Flanagan's sequel to Stanley Kubrick's adaptation of Stephen King's The Shining, but also an adaptation of Stephen King's Doctor Sleep, itself a sequel to Stephen King's The Shining, but one that disavows the changes made by Stanley Kubrick's The Shining, changes that Mike Flanagan reinstates in his Doctor Sleep, in order to serve as a sequel to both The Shining and The Shining. Confused? Surprisingly, you won't be, as it's one of the best horror movies of the year.
Here's Joey and Chris to discuss, all the film's various Abras and kadabras, astral projections and Overlooks, confirm why you should always wear your seatbelt no matter how many centuries old you are, and most importantly, ask how on Earth they managed to make what is a quite excellent film against all the odds.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: The world is a hungry place, and a dark place.
Next week, it's Animated Horror season for one week only, with the oft-requested Coraline (2009).
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
It's episode 215...and break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue.
Hamlet (1996) tells the story of Prince Hamlet. After his father dies in a suspicious orchard accident, Hamlet struggles to adjust to life with his uncle as his new stepdad. The same uncle is also the king now, and everyone is feeling very guilty, and before long Hamlet kills someone by accident, and then a bunch of other people die. It's four hours long
We discuss rotten happenings in the state of Branagh, give advice to the King on how to better hide your guilt or otherwise replicate a successful crime, and ask if this is the most expensive vanity project ever?
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Hide fox and all after!
Next week, it's four hours of fun with Kenneth Branagh and Hamlet (1996).
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
It's episode 214...and don't let 'I dare not' wait upon 'I would'
Macbeth (2015) tells the story of Macbeth. After hearing from some witches that he will be king, Macbeth decides to take matters into his own hands to move things along. Assisted by his wife, they kill the current king - but not everyone is happy about it. In fact nobody is happy about it. Especially Macbeth.
This is one of the most visually spectacular movies you'll ever see, and we discuss its merits as an adaptation; it's use as a teaching aid; and compare it with other versions. Alongside some tips in guilt management, you'll hear our thoughts on keeping a cool head during a crime; and keeping the central heating bill down.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Was the hope drunk,
Wherein you dress'd yourself?
Next week, it's four hours of fun with Kenneth Branagh and Hamlet (1996).
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
It's episode 213...and two days ago, I had this nice simple life. And now it’s a nightmare.
Terminator: Dark Fate (2019) is the latest entry in the increasingly unloved and unwanted Terminator franchise, but with Tim Miller of Deadpool fame at the helm and with ol' Jimmy Cameron lurking in the background, can Arnie and Linda Hamilton wrestle the series back into shape?
This latest entry follows Dani, who's quiet life is torn apart by the sudden arrival of Grace, an enhanced super-soldier from an unknown apocalyptic future, who seeks to save her from the relentless and cunning REV-9.
We pick apart this surprisingly high-quality entry into the Terminator canon, pull back the curtain on Carl - the best creative decision since casting Arnie in the first film, ask if Hamilton is hammy or HAM, and wonder aloud what happens to all the other purposeless inter-dimensional time orphan robot assassins?
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I can see you’re very upset.
Next week it's back to the year 1606 (or 2015) with Justin Kurzel's incredible Macbeth.
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
Hello.
Because of various administrative issues, neither me or Joe were free to record our scheduled episode of the podcast this week - the long-awaited and keenly anticipated Terminator: Dark Fate episode will be next week instead.
But in the meantime, I hope you enjoy this selection of messages from our Mailbag podcasts which, until this compilation, has been a Patron-exclusive.
If you like what you hear, why not head over to Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to check out our weekly Mailbag episodes, and our bonus episodes covering films chosen by our patrons.
How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
It's episode 212...and all I have Joe has are negative thoughts.
Joker (2019) reimagines the iconic DC supervillain as the pitiful Arthur Fleck, clown-for-hire and aspiring stand-up comedian. Life is hard for the downtrodden Arthur as he struggles to make his mark against the backdrop of a Gotham City on the brink of chaos. Could a kindly neighbour, a shot at stardom and the identity of his absent father all prove a ray of hope for Arthur? Or, instead, will they precipitate his spiral into violent mania as the world begins to burn.
We talk about Joaquin and wackos, denial and De Niro, zany scores and Scorsese, and ask if Joker is a dangerous film, if it's the best film of 2019 and if will it lead to the violent uprising some fear.
Plus can you or can you not joke about anything these days?
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I had a bad day.
Next week it's what will surely prove to be the film of 2019: Terminator: Dark Fate.
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
It's episode 211...and he's a monster. Pure psychopath. So rare to capture one alive. From a research point of view, Lecter is our most prized asset.
The Silence of the Lambs (1991) follows Clarice Starling on her quest to thwart flaying serial killer Buffalo Bill. To gain insight on psychopathic murderers, Starling is sent to interview Hannibal 'the Cannibal' Lecter, a convicted cannibalistic serial killer. But will her tricky assignment land her in more danger than she realises?
We discuss if the five Academy Award winning crime thriller classic is, in fact, slightly overrated, whether Hopkins' Hannibal is more pantomime than pant-filling, and offer advice to paramedics, deranged killers and Miggs.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You forgot the power glove
Next week: will Todd Phillip's super-villain origin story put a smile on our face? It's Joker (2019)
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
It's episode 210... and these are ancient dream demons. Supposedly they roam the dreams of the living till they find the most evil, twisted human imaginable. Then they give him the power to cross the line and turn our nightmares into reality.
Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991) tells the story of John Doe (no really), a young man who is used as bait to lure Freddy Krueger's child back to Springwood, so that Freddy can leave Springwood. Make sense? Well don't worry, I've seen the movie and I'm still scratching my head.
We'll hear from one of the world's greatest living fighters (currently recovering from a career threatening injury) who has some top fighting tips for Freddy; we also consider safe storage of guns, throwing stars and dynamite in a children's refuge; and we advise brutal simplicity of thought in hatching any nefarious plan.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You forgot the power glove
Next week: it downloads the podcast, or else it gets the hose again. It's The Silence of the Lambs (1991).
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
It's episode 209... and I was just entering, and I was nervous and excited, and I saw you. My hero...
The Perfection (2019) tells the story of Charlotte, who has returned to the world of top-tier cello playing after a ten year absence. Charlotte had been caring for her mother who has now died, and appears to seek revenge on Lizzie, the cellist who replaced her as the favourite student of the cello academy owners.
We advise everyone to always take the opportunity to take a trip around rural china; to start off small rather than going straight for dismemberment; and organising talent competitions so that you can hear all competitors.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: If I move, I'll shit.
Next week, we're not back on Elm Street, but the nightmare continues anyway: Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991).
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
It's episode 208... this meeting of the Losers Club has officially begun.
It: Chapter 2 (2019) tells the story of the kids from the first movie. 27 years have passed and they've grown up, and they've forgotten about the events of the first film! But when they return to Derry, they're soon reminded and take on Pennywise again with renewed vigour.
We advise on the dangers of playing with your food; the merits of moving away from your home town; and not standing around admiring the pass.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You should cut that fucking mullet. It's been, like, thirty years, man.
Next week, it's time for some 'Netflix and cello' with The Perfection (2019)
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
It's episode 208...it's started. You better brace yourself.
The Wailing (2016) tells the story of Jong-goo, a police chief investigating a series of grisly murders in rural Korea. The murders are apparently linked to a mysterious disease afflicting the local population, and some believe the cause to be a strange Japanese man who has moved to the area. It's one of the most captivating films we've covered in some time.
We talk sins, shame, shamans and charlatans, wonder how to spot the Devil and whether you should take him on one-on-one, discuss bodily fluids and genre fluidity, and ask the burning question at the heart of The Wailing - what exactly is going on?
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Not everything that moves, breathes, and talks is alive.
Next week, it's time we head back to Derry in the year's biggest horror film: It: Chapter 2 (2019)
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
It's episode 207...I'm gonna start beating the shit out of you in the next five seconds, and you're gonna swallow a lot of blood for a fucking billfold!
The Grey (2011) sees Liam Neeson walking the tundra, cosh in hand, looking for the first wolf bastard he can get his hands on. You see, his friend was the victim of a plane crash, and she dealt with it in the most extraordinary way, but his immediate reaction was...did she know who it was? No. What colour were they? She said it was a wolf.
It's a packed show as we ask if the film is the victim of the most misguided marketing campaign ever, the importance of looking before leaping, give advice on the best time for a big scrap with a wolfpack, hear from a pilot as to the realism of the film's plane crash and a listener sends in some much-needed weeing advice.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I gotta a book! It's called "We're all fucked"! It's a best seller.
Next week, it's another listener suggestion with The Wailing (2016), available on Netflix in the UK.
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
It's episode 205...and I couldn't do anything. I tried to go back. She was already gone. She was already gone.
28 Weeks Later (2007) (or 196 Days Later (732555) if you're a traditionalist) is the follow-up to Danny Boyle's seminal London-set apocalyptic horror. But with Danny absent can the sequel live up to the first film's weighty reputation?
We discuss a post-pandemic city that's gone to the (Isle of) Dogs, debate Don's desperate decision-making, deride terrible guard detailing and comb through perhaps the worst possible route from Regent's Park to Wembley Stadium in any situation.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: This is the worst combat I've ever seen. Where's the combat?
Next week, Liam's out to find the first wolf bastard he can get his hands on in Joe Carnahan's The Grey (2011)
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
It's episode 204...and it has been established that persons who have recently died have been returning to life and committing acts of murder.
Night of the Living Dead (1968) is one of the all-time classics of horror cinema, and sets out much of what we now know and love about the zombie genre - an apocalypse without apparent cause, a not-so-safe place to hole up, ordinary folk in extraordinary circumstances and the nightmareish horde of the undead.
We take a big old bite out of a Romero classic, talk hysterical women, racist men, the importance of making your presence known and why, in the 1960s Southern United States that might not be such a good idea after all...
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: They're dead. They're all messed up.
Next week, we're back in London for a bite to eat: 28 Weeks Later (2007)
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
It's episode 203...and please stop calling me 'Father'
Signs (2002) tells the story of Graham Hess, a former pastor who lost his faith when his wife was killed in a tragic accident. Now Graham looks after his children and runs a small farm with his brother. All is fine, until crop circles appear - followed by several other symptoms of an alien invasion.
We talk about swinging away without needing to be prompted; the benefits of hazmat suits when exploring an alien territory; and the merits of staying in the ship when there's no clear reason to get out of it.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: They have women's high-jumping in the Olympics. They've got these Scandinavian women who could jump clean over me.
Next week, we're stumbling around looking for brains: zombie season kicks off with Night of the Living Dead (1968).
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
It's episode 202...and look at my face; I was not thinking anything bad about you.
The Sixth Sense (1999) tells the story of this person named Malcolm. He worked with children. He loved it. He loved it more than anything else. And then one night, he found out that he made a mistake with one of them. He couldn't help that one. And he can't stop thinking about it, he can't forget. Ever since then, things have been different. He's not the same person that he used to be. And his wife doesn't like the person that he's become. They barely speak anymore, they're like strangers. And then one day Malcolm meets this wonderful little boy, a really cool little boy. Reminds him a lot of the other one. And Malcolm decides to try and help this new boy. 'Cause he feels that if he can help this new boy, it would be like helping that other one too.
We talk about the most famous twist in cinema history; hand out some top helmet safety tips; and weigh in with some advice for a team of medical practitioners.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: De profundis clamo ad te, domine. Out of the depths, I cry to you, O lord.
Next week, 'Good M. Night' season continues apace with Signs (2002).
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
It's episode 201...and don’t forget about all of the beautiful Swedish women you’ll meet in June.
Midsommar (2019) tells the story of Dani, who suffers a family tragedy and throws herself into a trip to a Swedish midsummer festival in an attempt to work through her grief. She's joining her boyfriend Christian and his friends, but is this quaint paradise all it seems, and what do the mysterious Harga cult have in store for the group?
Things get heated as we chew through Ari Aster's Hereditary follow-up, let the bear of cultural relativism out of its cage and debate the merits of cliff/hammer-related rituals. Is Midsommar just The Wicker Man for woke millennials, or is there more to its pulsating, undulating, hallucinatory visuals than meets the pulsating, undulating, hallucinating eye.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: this opens you up to the influence, and it breaks down your defenses. Trust me. Alright? You will love it.
Next week, we begin 'Good Shyamalan' season with his classic The Sixth Sense (1999)
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
It's episode 200...and don't ask me to take a Jacuzzi with that guy again.
A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child (1989) sees Alice and Dan (how could you forget them?) getting their lives back on track and graduating high school. All seems well until Alice begins being plagued with strange dreams and, before you know it, her friends are dropping dead in their sleep - often with bloody results.
We talk about one of the more interesting NOES sequels so far, revel in a real cinematic A-ha moment, question whether there's a better way to run an asylum and look back on the past 199 episodes with Chris' Anniversary Quiz.
Oh, and there's one or two life-changing announcements along the way too.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: if anybody's trying to hurt you, supernatural or not, they're going to have to go through us first.
Next week, it's the feel-good film of the summer - Ari Aster's Midsommar (2019).
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod
How to Survive is now on Patreon! If you like the show and want to support us, head over to Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod, where you'll find bonus episodes and the opportunity to join our community and help fund more podcasts and videos.
If you can't or don't want to support us - that's fine! Thank you for subscribing, you'll still get your weekly episodes here as per usual.
As ever, thank you for all your support - we'll stop doing it when you stop laughing.
Do you want the good news or the bad news?
The bad news is this week is a re-broadcast.
The good news is it's Cannibal Holocaust. I suppose that's actually bad news too on balance, but that's life. Can't win them all.
Cannibal Holocaust (1980) tells the story of Harold Monroe, a sociologist sent into the Amazonian rainforest to find out what happened to a missing documentary crew. Cannibal Holocaust is honestly a terrible film. Don't bother watching it. I'm not even sure why we watched it. I think someone asked us to cover it once in an email or a tweet but I can't remember. In many ways I can't remember anything before I watched Cannibal Holocaust, but I can remember feeling happiness and joy and a lust for life in general that is now sadly absent from my hollow shell of an existence.
Cannibal Holocaust has, in a very real sense, sapped the lifeforce from me in a manner that I'm not sure will ever be reversed. Maybe I wouldn't even want it to be reversed. Maybe this feeling of cosmic emptiness is a kind of punishment for watching it. If it is then I welcome it. I am forever scarred. I am forever a lesser person for having seen Cannibal Holocaust.
Don't watch it - it's not worth it. Just listen to the podcast instead.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Things like this happen all the time in the jungle; it's survival of the fittest!