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It's Christmas!...and you want the moon? Just say the word, and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down.
It's a Wonderful Life (1946) is perhaps the definitive uplifting Christmas film, and so what better way to sign off a universally terrible year than by listening to two smug pricks picking it to pieces?
Downtrodden and destitute, George Bailey contemplates suicide. As his guardian angel learns about George, we see the highs and lows of a life full of the ordinary ups and downs, pains and joys the world can foist upon you, and learn that however bad things seem, cheer, love and support can be found in your loved ones, your community, and your hope for a brigher future. Unless you're Mr Potter.
Join us as we get painfully earnest at the end of an awful year, hail the gold standard of classical filmmaking, share our heartbreak for cinema's most honest and beloved protagonist and hope that wherever you are, whoever you are, this podcast finds you healthy and happy, with better days ahead.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You see George, you've really had a wonderful life. Don't you see what a mistake it would be to just throw it away?
Next time it's back to our regularly scheduled programming with The Nun (2018).
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It's episode 233...and don’t take it personally. They’re just trying to figure out if you’re a gold-digging whore.
Ready or Not (2019) tells the story of newly-married Grace, who wants to make a good impression on her new husband Daniel's relatives - the mysterious Le Domas family, owners of the Le Domas boardgaming Monopoly. As is only fitting, before the happy couple start their Life together, they have a traditional family game with the newlyweds on their wedding night, but this game is less Ticket to Ride and more Ticket to Die. Can Grace Scrabble around and survive the night, or will she end up another victim of the Le Domas' arcane Operation?
We cut into a slice of (sort of) wedding-themed horror, family traditions and the adherance thereof, cults, Colts, 100-second counts, and whether one should ever make a deal with the devil. Plus, stick around at the end for Joe's attempts to return to Return to Castle Wolfenstein.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: She’ll never be one of us.
Next time - we did it to ourselves. It's The Nun (2018).
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It's episode 232...and should pale death, with treble dread, make the ocean caves our bed, God who hears the surges roll, deign to save the suppliant soul.
The Lighthouse (2019) tells the absolutely fine and normal story of Thomas's Wake and Howard, two wickies with the task of operating a remote lighthouse for a month off the coast of 19th Century New England. But can they keep their fragile friendship intact, or will the isolation take its toll? Also featuring mermaids and tentacles.
We discuss what we think actually happens in Robert Eggers' The Witch follow-up, the dangers of cabin fever, eldritch horrors and marxism, but mainly the extremely subtle and subtextual homoerotic tension of two grown men living and constantly wanking inside a big dick.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You're gonna spill your beans.
Next time, it's the best day of our lives as we watch Ready or Not (2019).
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It's time for a bonus episode...and I'm Mrs. Voorhees, an old friend of the Christys'!
We turned 5 years old back in August and marked it by...doing absolutely nothing! So here we are, 3 months later, revisiting the film that started it all - Friday the 13th (1980).
If you didn't know, Friday the 13th tells the story of Camp Crystal Lake, and a group of teenagers who arive to help renovate the camp ahead of its grand re-opening, 30 years after a brutal double murder. What could go wrong?
We revisit a classic and ask ourselves, fresh from watching 250 other horror movies, is it any good, does it deserve its reputation (good and bad), and have the intervening years given us any new insights?
All of which leads to one important question: why aren't we cracking on with the films we're supposed to be watching?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Guess I always wanted to work with children. I hate when people call them kids. Sounds like little goats. But when you've had a dream as long as I have, you'll do anything.
Back next time with our previously scheduled programming with Robert Eggers The Lighthouse (2020).
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It's episode 226...and this time travel crap, just fries your brain like a egg..
Looper (2012) tells the story of Joe, a 'Looper'. Loopers are assassins who kill people sent from the future, where time travel exists but is controlled by criminal gangs. There are also psychic people. Fun and games ensue when Joe is ordered to kill a 30-year-older version of himself.
We discuss then whens, wheres and whyfors of mute begging, hoverbike jousting, propose picking a safe word for you and your older self, and Joe outs himself as a Little Monster masquerading as a Moonage Daydreamer.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: This is a Remington 870. One blast could cut you the f*ck in half.
Join us next time as we go under the skin of Jonathan Glazer's Under the Skin (2013)
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It's episode 225...and I guess you guys aren't ready for that yet. But your kids are gonna love it.
Back to the Future (1985) tells the story of Marty McFly, a precocious teen with deadbeat parents and a good friend in Doc Brown, a local inventor and all-round eccentric. When Marty helps Doc test his newly-constructed time machine, he winds up stranded three decades earlier in 1955. Can he convince the younger Doc Brown to help him, and can he make sure his high schooler parents still meet and fall in love?
It's time for celebration as we mark the 35th anniversary of one of the greats of family adventure cinema, and cover all the usual ground - fawning potrayals of Americana, desperate levels of product placement, troubling depictions of sexual violence, the ending's facist overtones, and elderly men welding U-Boats in a 3ft canal in West London.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Nobody calls me chicken!
Join us next time as we carry on time travelling in Rian Johnson's Looper (2012).
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It's episode 224... and change doesn't happen spontaneously.
The Platform (2019) (or El Hoyo (2019) depending on whether you are in spain or not), tells the story of Gorreng, a man who wakes up in a vertical prison of several hundred floors. Each day, a platform lowers food from the top floor downwards, with prisoners relying on the lack of greed of those above them in order to eat. Why? Well, why not?
We talk about the benefits of a mobile vegetable patch; how to make sure your message is received by delivering it in person; and the importance of really thinking through the design of a prison system before you open.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: hunger releases that madman in us.
Join us next time as we go Back to the Future (1985).
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It's episode 223...these are just things. They can be replaced.
mother! (2017) stars Jennifer Lawrence as Mother in the completely straightforward and simple story of a man and woman who live in a house. When some strangers arrive and begin to take liberties with Mother's hospitality, tensions begin to rise. What follows is an absolutely normal time with normal events and nothing out of the ordinary with no double-meaning whatsoever.
We get our metaphorrors and alleghorrorcals confused, give hypnobirthing advice, discuss unruly house parties and unruly house party guests and, above all else, take everything the film has to offer at face value with no attempt to read anything into the events and themes of the film.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I wanna make a Paradise.
Next episode is the Netflix-distributed The Platform (2020)!
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How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
It's episode 222... and failure is not an option.
Happy Death Day 2U (2019) reunites us with our favourite hungover student Tree for more time-looping horror hijinks, but this time with a pop sci-fi twist. How much merit can there be in repeating the premise of a film about repeating the same events over and over? Well...some merit, as it turns out.
We offer some much-needed architectural advice, dig into some surprising emotional depth, discuss the life and future works of Christopher Landon and, most importantly, check what film our mate Joe watched on his birthday this year.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Once a douchebag, always a douchebag.
Next episode, as voted for by the patrons, is mother! (2016)
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It's episode 221... and he said that wherever I went, he would find me, walk right up to me, and I wouldn't be able to see him
The Invisible Man (2020) tells the story of an invisible man. Or does it? Cecilia has just escaped an abusive relationship, and her ex has apparently died by suicide - but now she has the distinct feeling that she's being haunted and hunted by his invisible presence.
We suggest swinging away; creating an even playing field; and the merits of being able to accept when a relationship is over.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: if Adrian calls, tell him I can't see him.
Next episode: Happy Death Day 2 U (2019).
Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
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A quick update from your two favourite survivors. For anyone who can't listen:
- We're going to start doing the podcast again, but releasing irregularly for a while.
- From May 1st the Patreon will act as a 'tip jar'. There will be a single '1$ and up' tier, and no exclusive content. Feel free to pledge as much or as little as you like. All HTS content going forward will be freely available until further notice.
- All proceeds from the Patreon will go to the WHO COVID-19 Response Fund until further notice.
- Joe is launching his 2001 episode this week.
- We're recording our first proper episode since the hiatus - on The Invisible Man (2020) - this week.
Last, but not least - we hope you're all doing okay.
Email us at howtosurviveshow@gmail.com and find us on Patreon at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
We're still on hiatus.
But guess what - we're going to the polls to decide Joe's child's first ever movie.
Download to find out more - and take advantage of the fact that we've currently disabled billing on our Patreon so you can listen to everything for free! www.patreon.com/howtosurvivepod
Get in touch: howtosurviveshow@gmail.com
*Editors note: The weird echoey thing is largely gone, but there's still a bit of it. Sorry about that.*
It's a New Nightmare (1994), which tells the story of Heather Langengkamp who played Nancy in A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) playing a fictionalised version of herself (the actress) playing the character again for a final time, but in the process of filming it (in the fictional world of the film) she begins to be haunted by Freddy Krueger (in both the movie she's filming, and her real life, which is a film). It is meta.
We talk about the fact that it is meta, the essentials of safe playground engineering, and the most selfish act of screenwriting ever committed to on-screen screenwriting.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I think the only way to stop him is to make another movie.
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