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It's episode 226...and this time travel crap, just fries your brain like a egg..
Looper (2012) tells the story of Joe, a 'Looper'. Loopers are assassins who kill people sent from the future, where time travel exists but is controlled by criminal gangs. There are also psychic people. Fun and games ensue when Joe is ordered to kill a 30-year-older version of himself.
We discuss then whens, wheres and whyfors of mute begging, hoverbike jousting, propose picking a safe word for you and your older self, and Joe outs himself as a Little Monster masquerading as a Moonage Daydreamer.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: This is a Remington 870. One blast could cut you the f*ck in half.
Join us next time as we go under the skin of Jonathan Glazer's Under the Skin (2013)
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It's episode 225...and I guess you guys aren't ready for that yet. But your kids are gonna love it.
Back to the Future (1985) tells the story of Marty McFly, a precocious teen with deadbeat parents and a good friend in Doc Brown, a local inventor and all-round eccentric. When Marty helps Doc test his newly-constructed time machine, he winds up stranded three decades earlier in 1955. Can he convince the younger Doc Brown to help him, and can he make sure his high schooler parents still meet and fall in love?
It's time for celebration as we mark the 35th anniversary of one of the greats of family adventure cinema, and cover all the usual ground - fawning potrayals of Americana, desperate levels of product placement, troubling depictions of sexual violence, the ending's facist overtones, and elderly men welding U-Boats in a 3ft canal in West London.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Nobody calls me chicken!
Join us next time as we carry on time travelling in Rian Johnson's Looper (2012).
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It's episode 223...these are just things. They can be replaced.
mother! (2017) stars Jennifer Lawrence as Mother in the completely straightforward and simple story of a man and woman who live in a house. When some strangers arrive and begin to take liberties with Mother's hospitality, tensions begin to rise. What follows is an absolutely normal time with normal events and nothing out of the ordinary with no double-meaning whatsoever.
We get our metaphorrors and alleghorrorcals confused, give hypnobirthing advice, discuss unruly house parties and unruly house party guests and, above all else, take everything the film has to offer at face value with no attempt to read anything into the events and themes of the film.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I wanna make a Paradise.
Next episode is the Netflix-distributed The Platform (2020)!
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It's episode 222... and failure is not an option.
Happy Death Day 2U (2019) reunites us with our favourite hungover student Tree for more time-looping horror hijinks, but this time with a pop sci-fi twist. How much merit can there be in repeating the premise of a film about repeating the same events over and over? Well...some merit, as it turns out.
We offer some much-needed architectural advice, dig into some surprising emotional depth, discuss the life and future works of Christopher Landon and, most importantly, check what film our mate Joe watched on his birthday this year.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Once a douchebag, always a douchebag.
Next episode, as voted for by the patrons, is mother! (2016)
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It's episode 221... and he said that wherever I went, he would find me, walk right up to me, and I wouldn't be able to see him
The Invisible Man (2020) tells the story of an invisible man. Or does it? Cecilia has just escaped an abusive relationship, and her ex has apparently died by suicide - but now she has the distinct feeling that she's being haunted and hunted by his invisible presence.
We suggest swinging away; creating an even playing field; and the merits of being able to accept when a relationship is over.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: if Adrian calls, tell him I can't see him.
Next episode: Happy Death Day 2 U (2019).
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A quick update from your two favourite survivors. For anyone who can't listen:
- We're going to start doing the podcast again, but releasing irregularly for a while.
- From May 1st the Patreon will act as a 'tip jar'. There will be a single '1$ and up' tier, and no exclusive content. Feel free to pledge as much or as little as you like. All HTS content going forward will be freely available until further notice.
- All proceeds from the Patreon will go to the WHO COVID-19 Response Fund until further notice.
- Joe is launching his 2001 episode this week.
- We're recording our first proper episode since the hiatus - on The Invisible Man (2020) - this week.
Last, but not least - we hope you're all doing okay.
Email us at howtosurviveshow@gmail.com and find us on Patreon at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
*Editors note: The weird echoey thing is largely gone, but there's still a bit of it. Sorry about that.*
It's a New Nightmare (1994), which tells the story of Heather Langengkamp who played Nancy in A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) playing a fictionalised version of herself (the actress) playing the character again for a final time, but in the process of filming it (in the fictional world of the film) she begins to be haunted by Freddy Krueger (in both the movie she's filming, and her real life, which is a film). It is meta.
We talk about the fact that it is meta, the essentials of safe playground engineering, and the most selfish act of screenwriting ever committed to on-screen screenwriting.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I think the only way to stop him is to make another movie.
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*Editors note: As with the Home Alone episode, we recorded this in Joe's echoey garage - so it sounds a bit weird. Sorry!*
It's Boxing Day! That can only mean one thing - we find another random Christmas film to cover because there are only really two Die Hard films that are related to Christmas. Why not cover one of the many, many Christmas-themed horror movies, given that we are a horror podcast, I hear you ask? Well, because then we wouldn't be covering the Arnie-led slapstick classic Jingle All The Way.
As you'd expect from a Christmas movie this episode is all about disappointing your family members, poor administrative application, being unable to recognise your husband at a a distance of 5ft, inappropriate handling of suspect packages and whether anyone would really hit on Arnold Schwarzenegger's wife.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: It's Turbo Time!
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*Editors note: We recorded in Joe's garage for the first time using unfamiliar equipment, so the audio sounds a bit spacier than usual. Apologies!*
It's Christmas! That can only mean one thing - we retread old traditions despite no-one finding the joy in them that we once had. In that spirit, we tackle the unloved, unwanted child of the Home Alone franchise - the made-for-TV Home Alone: The Holiday Heist (2012).
It's lumps of coal for Christmas all round as we unwrap another certifiable stinker - bland family humour, joyless retooling of traps from previous editions and, bafflingly, Malcolm McDowell as the main villain. Pour yourself a mulled wine as your two favourite podcasting Tiny Tims mull, and whine about once again ending up on the podcast naughty list.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I don't care, and I can't hear you.
Look out for another special podcast hitting your feeds on Boxing Day!
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It's episode 219...I've had it with these...well, you know the rest.
Snakes on a Plane (2006) tells the story of cool surfer dude Sean who inadvertently witnesses a gangland murder and winds up under the protection of FBI agent Flynn. Can Flynn get Sean back to Los Angeles to testify, or will the nefarious Eddie Kim try and kill Sean before he arrives - maybe by, I don't know, filling the entire plane with horny snakes?
We flick our forked tongues over a B-movie with a Hollywood budget, Joe questions Samuel L Jackson's acting legacy and we ask whether it's possible there might just have been a simpler solution for Eddie Kim's problem than filling a jumbo jet with snakes?
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Time is tissue.
Next week, it's Christmas time, and on that can only mean one thing...
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It's episode 218...and they made some mess too. Smashing into buildings and everything. They always make a mess.
The Birds (1963) tells the story of some birds who, sick and tired of having the unfettered freedom of the skies, wish to rise up and attack the land-dwelling human population too. So, they migrate, only this time, they're migrating straight into your eyes, beaks-first, and there's not a damn thing you, me, Mitch or poor Melanie Daniels can do about it.
We discuss one of the all-time classics of the horror genre - does it stand up after all these years? More importantly, does it walk on two taloned feet? Does it dive at you as you're filling your car with petrol and, most importantly, does it lurk behind you in the school playground as you're innocently having your tenth cigarette of the morning waiting at the school where your beau's ex-lover works to check on your beau's younger sister at the behest of your beau's mother? Plus, we ask which weapon is best for killing birds - a baseball bat or a tennis racket? Also, should you stalk a man you barely know for the sake of a prank? All this, and many more Hitchcock impressions than you could ever want or need.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: The very concept is unimaginable. Why, if that happened, we wouldn't have a chance!
Next week, we continue 'Animals in Films' season with the oft-requested and long-awaited Snakes on a Plane (2006)
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It's episode 217...how dare you disobey your mother?!
Coraline (2009) tells the story of Coraline (duh), a precocious and bored 11-year old girl who discovers an alternate world hidden through a tunnel in her house, where everything is exactly as it seems and it's all fine and there's nothing at all to worry about, the end. Except for rats, bats, button-eyes, and the nefarious Other Mother.
We ask whether animated 'horror' can ever be scary, if body-free body horror exists, Joe proposes a baseball bat-shaped solution to Coraline's woes, and we delve into the murky world of MK-Ultra with the help of a spurious conspiracy theory website.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Now you're going to stay here forever.
Next week, you'll be flocking back to the podcast for the start of 'Animals in Films' season with an all-time classic: Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds (1963).
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It's episode 216...and I’m running away from myself, I guess.
Doctor Sleep (2019) is Mike Flanagan's sequel to Stanley Kubrick's adaptation of Stephen King's The Shining, but also an adaptation of Stephen King's Doctor Sleep, itself a sequel to Stephen King's The Shining, but one that disavows the changes made by Stanley Kubrick's The Shining, changes that Mike Flanagan reinstates in his Doctor Sleep, in order to serve as a sequel to both The Shining and The Shining. Confused? Surprisingly, you won't be, as it's one of the best horror movies of the year.
Here's Joey and Chris to discuss, all the film's various Abras and kadabras, astral projections and Overlooks, confirm why you should always wear your seatbelt no matter how many centuries old you are, and most importantly, ask how on Earth they managed to make what is a quite excellent film against all the odds.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: The world is a hungry place, and a dark place.
Next week, it's Animated Horror season for one week only, with the oft-requested Coraline (2009).
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It's episode 214...and don't let 'I dare not' wait upon 'I would'
Macbeth (2015) tells the story of Macbeth. After hearing from some witches that he will be king, Macbeth decides to take matters into his own hands to move things along. Assisted by his wife, they kill the current king - but not everyone is happy about it. In fact nobody is happy about it. Especially Macbeth.
This is one of the most visually spectacular movies you'll ever see, and we discuss its merits as an adaptation; it's use as a teaching aid; and compare it with other versions. Alongside some tips in guilt management, you'll hear our thoughts on keeping a cool head during a crime; and keeping the central heating bill down.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Was the hope drunk,
Wherein you dress'd yourself?
Next week, it's four hours of fun with Kenneth Branagh and Hamlet (1996).
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It's episode 213...and two days ago, I had this nice simple life. And now it’s a nightmare.
Terminator: Dark Fate (2019) is the latest entry in the increasingly unloved and unwanted Terminator franchise, but with Tim Miller of Deadpool fame at the helm and with ol' Jimmy Cameron lurking in the background, can Arnie and Linda Hamilton wrestle the series back into shape?
This latest entry follows Dani, who's quiet life is torn apart by the sudden arrival of Grace, an enhanced super-soldier from an unknown apocalyptic future, who seeks to save her from the relentless and cunning REV-9.
We pick apart this surprisingly high-quality entry into the Terminator canon, pull back the curtain on Carl - the best creative decision since casting Arnie in the first film, ask if Hamilton is hammy or HAM, and wonder aloud what happens to all the other purposeless inter-dimensional time orphan robot assassins?
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I can see you’re very upset.
Next week it's back to the year 1606 (or 2015) with Justin Kurzel's incredible Macbeth.
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Hello.
Because of various administrative issues, neither me or Joe were free to record our scheduled episode of the podcast this week - the long-awaited and keenly anticipated Terminator: Dark Fate episode will be next week instead.
But in the meantime, I hope you enjoy this selection of messages from our Mailbag podcasts which, until this compilation, has been a Patron-exclusive.
If you like what you hear, why not head over to Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to check out our weekly Mailbag episodes, and our bonus episodes covering films chosen by our patrons.
How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
It's episode 211...and he's a monster. Pure psychopath. So rare to capture one alive. From a research point of view, Lecter is our most prized asset.
The Silence of the Lambs (1991) follows Clarice Starling on her quest to thwart flaying serial killer Buffalo Bill. To gain insight on psychopathic murderers, Starling is sent to interview Hannibal 'the Cannibal' Lecter, a convicted cannibalistic serial killer. But will her tricky assignment land her in more danger than she realises?
We discuss if the five Academy Award winning crime thriller classic is, in fact, slightly overrated, whether Hopkins' Hannibal is more pantomime than pant-filling, and offer advice to paramedics, deranged killers and Miggs.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You forgot the power glove
Next week: will Todd Phillip's super-villain origin story put a smile on our face? It's Joker (2019)
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It's episode 210... and these are ancient dream demons. Supposedly they roam the dreams of the living till they find the most evil, twisted human imaginable. Then they give him the power to cross the line and turn our nightmares into reality.
Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991) tells the story of John Doe (no really), a young man who is used as bait to lure Freddy Krueger's child back to Springwood, so that Freddy can leave Springwood. Make sense? Well don't worry, I've seen the movie and I'm still scratching my head.
We'll hear from one of the world's greatest living fighters (currently recovering from a career threatening injury) who has some top fighting tips for Freddy; we also consider safe storage of guns, throwing stars and dynamite in a children's refuge; and we advise brutal simplicity of thought in hatching any nefarious plan.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You forgot the power glove
Next week: it downloads the podcast, or else it gets the hose again. It's The Silence of the Lambs (1991).
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It's episode 209... and I was just entering, and I was nervous and excited, and I saw you. My hero...
The Perfection (2019) tells the story of Charlotte, who has returned to the world of top-tier cello playing after a ten year absence. Charlotte had been caring for her mother who has now died, and appears to seek revenge on Lizzie, the cellist who replaced her as the favourite student of the cello academy owners.
We advise everyone to always take the opportunity to take a trip around rural china; to start off small rather than going straight for dismemberment; and organising talent competitions so that you can hear all competitors.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: If I move, I'll shit.
Next week, we're not back on Elm Street, but the nightmare continues anyway: Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991).
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It's episode 208... this meeting of the Losers Club has officially begun.
It: Chapter 2 (2019) tells the story of the kids from the first movie. 27 years have passed and they've grown up, and they've forgotten about the events of the first film! But when they return to Derry, they're soon reminded and take on Pennywise again with renewed vigour.
We advise on the dangers of playing with your food; the merits of moving away from your home town; and not standing around admiring the pass.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You should cut that fucking mullet. It's been, like, thirty years, man.
Next week, it's time for some 'Netflix and cello' with The Perfection (2019)
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It's episode 208...it's started. You better brace yourself.
The Wailing (2016) tells the story of Jong-goo, a police chief investigating a series of grisly murders in rural Korea. The murders are apparently linked to a mysterious disease afflicting the local population, and some believe the cause to be a strange Japanese man who has moved to the area. It's one of the most captivating films we've covered in some time.
We talk sins, shame, shamans and charlatans, wonder how to spot the Devil and whether you should take him on one-on-one, discuss bodily fluids and genre fluidity, and ask the burning question at the heart of The Wailing - what exactly is going on?
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Not everything that moves, breathes, and talks is alive.
Next week, it's time we head back to Derry in the year's biggest horror film: It: Chapter 2 (2019)
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