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How to Survive

'How to Survive' is a film review podcast with a twist. The discussion centres around one key question: 'How would you survive in this movie?' Each episode centres around one classic movie. Often, they are horror movies, but there are also lots of thrillers, action movies, adventure movies and the occasional romantic drama for good measure. If you've ever rolled your eyes when the victim goes outside alone; tutted when the killer returns from the dead; or shouted 'DON'T GO IN THERE!', this is the podcast for you. If you have ideas on How to Survive, or recommendations for films we should consider, send them over to: HowToSurviveShow@Gmail.com
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Now displaying: Category: tv and film
May 22, 2018

It's episode 144... and above 24,000, you're at the vertical limit, you're already dying. Look at you. You can hardly stand. If you think you can stop me, go ahead.

Vertical Limit (2000) tells the story of Peter and Annie, a brother and sister who find themselves atop K2 some years after they were involved in a climbing accident which killed their father. Now bad luck has befallen them again, and Annie is trapped in an avalanche near the summit, and it's up to Peter to lead a team to save her.

We discuss the worst prepared disaster recovery team in history; how the dangers of smoking increase massively around explosives and at high altitude; and above all, how this movie represents the worst survival odds in the history of disaster recovery.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Nag, nag, nag. They always bloody nag.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

May 15, 2018

It's episode 143... and we have your woman outlander! She still lives!

Children of the Corn (1984) tells the story of Burt and Vicky, two Outlanders, on their way to a new life on the other side of America. They pass through a series of cornfields, and soon find themselves in a town where there are no adults, only shrill children. Where are the adults? Who are the children? And who walks behind the rows?


We discuss the key tenets of being an effective lookout; the simplicity of killing or maiming your would-be attackers when they happen to be children; and we talk about an amorphous representation simulacrum of the scariest creature ever committed to cinema.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Don't ever show up in my emergency room, buddy! 

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

May 8, 2018

It's episode 142... and I thought I'd gone to the limits. I hadn't. The Cenobites gave me an experience beyond limits. Pain and pleasure, indivisible.

Hellraiser (1987) tells the story of Frank, a sexual deviant who decides to push the boundaries of human experience by opening up a portal to another world. Consequently, he loses his human body, and has to get it back in the most convoluted way imaginable, with the assistance of his husband's wife (his own former lover).

We discuss an occam's razor approach to body-harvesting; the benefits of your enemy not knowing the difference between pleasure and pain; and we offer sex tips that will drive your man wild...

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: The blood brought me back this far. I need more. You have to heal me.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

May 1, 2018

It's episode 140... and who are we if we can't protect them? we have to protect them.

A Quiet Place (2018) tells the story of the Abbott family. Rare survivors of a deadly attack from creatures which hunt based on sound alone. The slightest sound could be enough to get your torn limb from limb, so what better way to discuss it than in a purely audio-based format.

We discuss the mealy-mouthed advice given by film-survival amateurs on the internet; the mealy-mouthed advice given by us, the experts; and the risks of going all-in on a choice when there are plenty of other options to explore.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I love you. I've always loved you.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Apr 25, 2018

It's episode 140... and Man, if I could travel through time, I'd timeportal my ass to the Bahamas.

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014) tells the story of three teenagers who experience paranormal activity taking place around their home. Luckily, they film everything with handheld video cameras, so we get to watch it play out in all its predictable, preposterous glory.

We discuss the dangers of using the wrong weapons to ambush gang members; the importance of questioning the brief before taking on a 'muscle' contract; and the merits of cycling as a primary means of transport.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Can I get a kiss on the cheek? The thing is, my cheek is right above my testicles.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Apr 11, 2018

It's episode 139... and what are they? It's pretty goddamn obvious what they are. Lab coats, badges, THOSE PEOPLE USED TO WORK HERE!

Resident Evil (2002) tells the story of a crack-team of mercenaries who are sent into the headquarters of the shady 'Umbrella Corporation' following the leak of a biological weapon. The new virus appears to be able to reanimate the dead, creating an unstoppable killing machine. Will the team escape before it's too late?

We discuss some very basic logical flaws in the failsafe systems of an international weapons manufacturer; the limitations of a sympathetic AI, and the benefits of just jumping vertically in the air and kicking your would-be killers in the face.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Even in death the human body still is active. Hair and finger nails continue to grow, new cells are produced, and the brain itself holds a small electrical charge that takes months to dissipate.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Mar 28, 2018

It's episode 137...and it's not destroying...it's making something new.

Annihilation (2018) tells the story of Lena, a biologist whose husband returns from a mysterious military mission only to fall gravely ill shortly afterwards. In order to save him, she joins an expedition following in her husband's footsteps to 'The Shimmer', a strange, expanding, luminescent cloud engulfing a coastal region in Florida. Will she discover the key to her husband's survival...or something much more unsettling?

We discuss prisms; offer witticisms and criticisms; pick through unreliable narrators and unreal nature; and, most importantly, bring criminal proceedings on whoever decided not to give this film a theatrical release in the UK.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You'd sure as hell call it a pathology if you saw this in a human.

Annihilation is still in cinemas in the US and available on Netflix worldwide. Next week we sift through the bones of Tomb Raider (2018).

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

 

Mar 21, 2018

It's episode 136... and my old scoutmaster used to say 'If the shortcut was a shortcut, it wouldn't be called a shortcut, it would be called a route'.

The Ritual (2017) tells the story of four friends who travel into the Swedish mountains to commemorate the loss of their close friend. During the trip, one of the group becomes injured, and they decide to take a 'short cut' to civilisation through a forest. Before long, unexpected and unsettling things begin to happen, and they realise they are in rather severe danger.

We talk about the merits of eschewing sentimentality; the importance of knee exercises; and that foundational travel trip: never stray from the beaten path under any circumstances ever.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Mate, no one's ever been to Belgium by choice. What are you on about? What's in Belgium?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Mar 14, 2018

It's episode 135... and somewhere in the world, the wrong pig met up with the wrong bat.

Contagion (2011) tells the story of a number of separate people who are all linked by their involvement in the outbreak of a deadly disease. Researchers, World Health Organisation workers, Conspiracy theorists and everyday people (played by a star-studded cast) are in a race against time to save the world from the spread of a fatal virus.

We talk about the benefits of a vegan diet; the importance of washing your hands; and the sure-fire safety of walking around all the time in a home-made hazmat suit.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: My wife makes me take off my clothes in the garage. Then she leaves out a bucket of warm water and some soap. And then she douses everything in hand sanitizer after I leave. 

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Feb 28, 2018

It's episode 133 and we're going to get you. We're going to get you. Not another peep. Time to go to sleep.

The Evil Dead (1981) tells the story of four students who head to a cabin in the woods to celebrate spring break. Before long, they accidentally uncover a magic book, and accidentally raise the dead. As if thats not bad enough, the dead they raise is evil! Will they make it out alive?

We talk about the a common-sense approach to nighttime safety; the benefits of chopping up your dead life partner with a chainsaw; and the importance of remembering you can punch holes in wood, when you're trapped in a wooden structure.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I fear that the only way to stop those possessed by the spirits of the book is through the act of... bodily dismemberment.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Feb 21, 2018

It's episode 132 and this is an accident, a forgotten, perpetual public works project. You think anybody wants to ask questions? All they want is a clear conscience and a fat paycheck.

Cube (1997) tells the story of a group of people who are trapped in a gigantic cube, made of thousands of smaller cubes. A large number of the cubes are filled with dreadful booby traps. Will they put their differences aside to escape? Do the numbers on the floor indicate the route forward? 

We talk about the importance of group unity; whether correlation equates to causation when it comes to being named; and the importance of keeping a cool head in the face of violent coercion.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I'm just a guy, I work in an office building doing office building stuff. I wasn't exactly bursting with joie de vivre before I got here, life just sucks in general.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Feb 14, 2018

It's episode 131 and against all odds, we've finally covered a movie about astral projection.

Insidious (2010) tells the story of Renai and Josh, young parents who have just moved into a new home. When their eldest son falls into a medically unexplained coma, weird things start happening in their home - and nothing is as it seems (and nothing is as it could be predicted or worked out in a thousand years of guessing).

We talk about understanding your abilities when in a new environment; the importance of asking the important questions; and the dangers of opting for the last resort before you've tried the first, second or even third resorts.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure:I came today because last night I had a dream about this place. I was in this house, but it was late at night. I was afraid.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Feb 7, 2018

It's episode 130 and that can only mean one thing - the fourth instalment in the classic Paranormal Activity franchise!

Paranormal Activity 4 (2012) continues the ongoing saga of Katie, Toby and Hunter, this time told through the clumsier-than-ever framing device of a self-obsessed teenage neighbour who (for some reason) records everything in her life on a video camera. 

We talk about the often random nature of the titular paranormal activity, the risks of secretly sedating your children and the value of spotting a fake in today's socio-political climate. Also hear more 'Film Dad' chat and discover how to crowbar Star Wars into literally any pop song, in what critics are already calling 'another episode of How to Survive'.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: He looks just like his mother.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Jan 31, 2018

It's episode 129...and bon appetit!

Raw (2016) tells the story of Justine, a young vegetarian girl who begins a new life at veterinary school. She is met with intense initiation ceremonies, late nights, parties, and the sudden irrepressible urge to eat meat... of all kinds.

We talk about the half-measures of vegetarianism; the importance of teaching your children about the risks of chicken as a gateway food to human; and Joe talks about being a vegan again. Obviously.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I'm just getting milk, ok?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Jan 24, 2018

It's episode 128...and I think they want us for dinner tonight!

Cannibal Holocaust (1980) tells the story of Harold Monroe, a sociologist sent into the Amazonian rainforest to find out what happened to a missing documentary crew. Cannibal Holocaust is honestly a terrible film. Don't bother watching it. I'm not even sure why we watched it. I think someone asked us to cover it once in an email or a tweet but I can't remember. In many ways I can't remember anything before I watched Cannibal Holocaust, but I can remember feeling happiness and joy and a lust for life in general that is now sadly absent from my hollow shell of an existence.

Cannibal Holocaust has, in a very real sense, sapped the lifeforce from me in a manner that I'm not sure will ever be reversed. Maybe I wouldn't even want it to be reversed. Maybe this feeling of cosmic emptiness is a kind of punishment for watching it. If it is then I welcome it. I am forever scarred. I am forever a lesser person for having seen Cannibal Holocaust.

Don't watch it - it's not worth it. Just listen to the podcast instead.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Things like this happen all the time in the jungle; it's survival of the fittest!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Jan 17, 2018

It's episode 126...and I lost my daughter to the abyss, but tonight I am calling her back.

The Void (2016) tells the story of Dan, a police officer who comes across an injured man and takes him to the hospital. At the hospital, weird stuff starts to happen, including horrific mutations of nurses into monsters; the appearance of a sinister group of violent cult members; inexplicable power outages; and murder most foul.

We talk about the security of a good hiding place; the importance of knowing which negotiations are mission-critical; and the merits of shooting first and asking questions never.

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: statistically you're more likely to die in a hospital than anywhere else.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Jan 10, 2018

It's episode 126...and be afraid... be very afraid...

The Fly (1986) tells the story of Seth Brundle, a scientist who invents a way to transport objects through space. When testing the machine on himself, he accidentally fuses his DNA with that of a fly which was trapped in the machine - and he begins to slowly turn into a man/fly hybrid!

We talk about the benefits of the boys in blue; the convenience of insect repellent sprays; and we finally answer once and for all: which animal is it best to splice your dna with, and slowly turn into?

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I'm an insect who dreamt he was a man and loved it.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Jan 3, 2018

It's episode 125...and with great a great podcast comes great responsibility...

Spider-Man (2002) tells the story of Peter Parker, a nerdy teenager who is bitten by a radioactive spider and gains: super-human strength, the ability to climb walls, the ability to shoot webs, freakish spatial awareness and cheeky wit - all the things you would associate with spiders.

We talk about the dangers of lying to your friends; the benefits of shopping around for good investors; and the least competent police force since Friday the 13th.

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Go web! Fly! Up, up, and away web! Shazaam! Go! Go! Go web go! Tally ho.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Dec 27, 2017

It's episode 124...and I will fight for those who cannot fight for themselves.

Wonder Woman (2017) tells the origin story of Diana Prince, Amazonian Princess of Themyscira and superhero also known as (unsurprisingly) Wonder Woman. When a super spy from some Great War lands on her shores she's sure she can stop the fighting simply by killing her nemesis Ares - but has she underestimated the cruelty of man?

We round off 2017 with a female-led cinematic success story, address the clanging World War One-shaped elephant in the DC Comics-shaped room and wonder if it's wise to teach your enemy about their greatest power. All this as we finally cover a superhero film on the podcast. It only took 124 episodes!

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I can not stand by while innocent lives are lost!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Dec 26, 2017

Happy Boxing Day! What better way to celebrate than by watching a film with an increasingly tenuous link to the festive period?

Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990) reintroduces us to plucky cop John McClane, who is at the airport awaiting the arrival of his wife for the festive period. But oh no! A nefarious terrorist group are staging a mission with evil intent at the very same airport! On Christmas Eve! Of all the bad luck.

We pull the cracker on this mediocre sequel, question whether it's a good idea to fire a machine gun in a crowded police station (blanks or otherwise) and our hearts grow ever fonder of the sadly absent Alan Rickman.

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You are just in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Dec 24, 2017

It's Christmas! Here is the first of 2017's How to Survive Christmas Specials

Home Alone 3 tells the story of Alex, a young boy who becomes stricken with chickenpox. Alex's parents leave him home alone, which is unfortunate as his neighbourhood is under attack from four spies hired by the North Korean government to steal a missile chip from the US Air Force. 

We talk about the least appropriate children's movie villains in living memory; the least interesting and relatable protagonist in living memory; and we discuss of a set of injuries which would have Joe Pesci spinning in his grave (if he was dead...)

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I have warned you about that telescope. You look through it long enough, you're gonna start seeing things, whether or not they're there.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Dec 21, 2017

It's episode 123...and this isn't going to go the way you think.

It's nearly Christmas and that can only mean one thing - Disney have started up the Star Wars machine and churned out another episode of our favourite far, far away franchise. Set your phasers to lightspeed!

Rian Johnson's The Last Jedi (2017) finds us once again following Rey, Finn, Poe, Ren and Luke, as well as some characters with more than one syllable in their names, as they venture across the galaxy to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and to boldly go where no Star Wars has gone before.

We pick apart every controversy, plot twist and fanboy meltdown, eulogise over Adam Driver, suggest a change in tact for TIE fighters, and Joe once again manages to crowbar in some discussion of his veganism for good measure.

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: we are the spark, that will light the fire, that will start the blaze, that will ignite the inferno, that will heat the coals, that will generate the heat, that will fan the flames that will burn the First Order down.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Dec 13, 2017

It's episode 122...and I like big fat men like you. When they fall they make more noise.

 

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966) tells the story of a trio of bandits in search for buried gold, complete with all the betrayals, standoffs and shootouts you'd expect from the Wild West. Clint Eastwood starring as the enigmatic Blondie in what is undoubtedly one of the great Western cinematic epics, but will it be the Good, the Bad or the Ugly who wins the day, and the treasure? Only one way to find out...

We tackle perhaps the greatest villain introduction in cinematic history, draw our pistols on idiotic gun shop owners and Joe, a politically-motivated vegan, spends a full 10 minutes trying to a way to advocate torturing a man for information. No, really.

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: When that rope starts to pull tight, you can feel the Devil bite your ass.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

 

 

 

 

Nov 8, 2017

It's episode 117... and be a doll, and give it a listen...

The Boy (2016) tells the story of Greta, an American who moves to the English countryside to work as a nanny for a wealthy couple. The couple leave on holiday, but not before revealing that the child Greta will be looking after is actually a doll with a porcelain head.

No, really...

We talk about the dangers of mollycoddling; the benefits of seeking protection from an institutional agency set up to protect you; and the minutia of logistics for taxi drivers around the UK.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

Nov 1, 2017

It's episode 116... and we want to play a game...

Jigsaw (2017) tells the story of a group of people who become trapped in contrived torture devices as punishment for sins they're perceived to have committed. The person behind it appears to be John Kramer - but he's been dead for ten years - so is he back from the dead? Or is someone else behind it? There's only one way to find out.

We talk about the dangers of being a police officer in Jigsawville; the merits of collaborating with a serial killer; with twists you'll never see coming...

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure:

The game is simple. The best ones always are.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

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