It's episode 160... and I've heated up some warm milk for you, honey.
This week we're kicking off our latest franchise: A Nightmare on Elm Street.
You may remember us covering A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) way back in episode 7 - but don't worry, we're revisiting it with fresh eyes nearly three years on - ready to kick off the latest How to Survive Franchise. Strap in for 90 weeks of excitement!
We talk about the correct handling of evidence both before and after a trial (and subsequent vigilante justice); a thoroughly researched foray into ways to achieve dreamless sleep; and why you shouldn't trust the world's dreamiest ride-share route.
Whatever happens, one things for sure: Oh god, I look 20 years old!
Next week, 'We Love Franchises Season' continues apace in space, with Alien³.
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It's episode 159... and I will not be threatened by a walking meat loaf!
This week, An American Werewolf in London (1981), which tells the story of David, a backpacker who is bitten by (you guessed it) a werewolf while on a trip to (you guessed it) London. David begins seeing visions which seem to indicate he'll transform into a beast at the next full-moon, but are the visions right, or is he going mad?
We talk about the efficient use of firearms; making good on apparent interdimensional conveyance; and the dangers of rubber-necking outside of the world-famous adult cinema in Central London.
Whatever happens, one things for sure: A naked American man stole my balloons.
Next week, try to stay awake as we begin our new franchise... it's A Nightmare on Elm Street...
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It's episode 158... and this one who's blind... She's the one that can see.
Don't look now, but this week's movie is Don't Look Now (1973) - a movie about a couple whose loss leaves them feeling lost. John and Laura seek to escape their grief in Venice - but it's easier said than done for their pair, as their grip on reality begins to unravel.
A safe and healthy dose of health and safety leads the conversation; but look out for our fashion tips for murderers; and more thematic comparisons than you can shake a seance at.
Whatever happens, one things for sure: If the world is round, why is a frozen lake flat?
Next week, John Landis' 80s classic 'An American Werewolf in London'.
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It's episode 157... and I'm giving you a choice: either put on these glasses or start eatin' that trash can.
This week, They Live (1988); a movie in which the wrestler Rowdy Roddy Piper puts on sunglasses that allow him to see the hidden forces which capitalist aliens use to control the world.
We stick it to the man with some personal finance tips for intergalactic overlords; the importance of adhering to a dress code; and Chris enjoys Joe's most concise and coherent quiz yet.
Whatever happens, one things for sure: Mama don't like tattletales.
Next week, Nicholas Roeg's 1973 classic horror, Don't Look Now.
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It's episode 156 - and you now have the option to terminate and be cremated on the premises...
In Escape from New York (1981), New York City has been turned into a prison, with giant walls keeping prisoners locked inside. Anyone who goes in may never come out, and the city is run by criminals - which is bad news for the US President, who has become stranded in the city - and for Snake Plissken, the disgraced Special Ops soldier sent in to save him.
We talk about sane approaches to data protection; the benefits of open sharing of information; and (of course) the correct way to structure any effective team.
Whatever happens, one things for sure: We, the soldiers of The National Liberation Front of America, in the name of the workers and all the oppressed of this imperialist country, have struck a fatal blow to the fascist police state. Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
Next week, another John Carpenter classic, with They Live (1988).
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It's episode 154... last chance... download the episode, and you stay in Wonderland, and we show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.
The Matrix (1999) tells the story of a hacker named 'Neo' who is drawn in by a mysterious group who want to show him the world as it really is. Is Neo humanity's saviour, 'The One'? and will he be able to stop the deadly 'Agents'?
We talk about the one of the most influential movies every made; the limitations of exceptionally advanced technology; and the benefits of doing as your told when there's a gun pointed at your head.
Whatever happens, one things for sure: There's a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path...
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
Next week, it's the world's greatest movie premise suggestion: I, Robot (2004)
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It's episode 152...and we have found you in a box...
True crime writer Ellison Oswalt (yes really) is desperate for another hit, and so takes the rash decision to move his family into a house in which the previous family were brutally murdered. A box of snuff films, missing children and mysterious pagan deitys await the Oswalts in this fascinating, unique story that can only be described as 'a horror movie that came out in the early-to-mid-2010s'.
We tackle spirit photography, squirrel eradication and excrutiating excuses; question the financial planning of a destitute man with two mortgages; and wonder at what point a film about children being brutally murdered on camera crosses the line of 'good taste'.
Whatever happens, one things for sure: Bad things happen to good people and they still have to have their story told.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
Next week it's Peter Jackson's seminal Braindead (1992)
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It's episode 151...and it's a g'day for an apocalypse.
Cargo (2018) tells the story of one family's struggle to survive both the harsh conditions of the Australian outback, and a rampant contagious disease that has ravaged society. Can modern humanity outlast this apocalypse, and do they even deserve to?
We throw another Martin Freeman on the barbie, tie our kangaroos down to unnecessary anniversary gifts and do battle with our greatest foe - having to record a podcast on the hottest day of the year.
Whatever happens, one things for sure: It had fingers Andy!
Another classic film solved by the greatest movie podcast in the world.
Next week it's Sinister (2012)!
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It's episode 149... and if I don't make it back, remember you're the one who made me come here.
This week, we're back on Isla Nublar for Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018).
The movie tells the story of Claire and Owen as they rescue the dinosaurs of Jurassic World from a volcano, and then attempt to foil an evil corporate plot to exploit the animals.
We discuss whether a dinosaur would make a useful weapon; whether there are better ways to cover up genetic experimentation; and we think about how we'd cope against the closest thing to a dinosaur living on earth today.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Genetic power has now been unleashed. You can't put it back in the box.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
Next week, we wrap up the world's spookiest franchise with Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension.
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It's episode 148... and I never wanted to be your mother.
This week: 2018's Hereditary.
Laugh's abound in the story of Annie and her family as they grapple with bereavement, trauma, grief, and paranormal goings-on. Are they seeing ghosts, or going nuts? Are they being haunted, or have they just lost their heads?
We talk about the benefits of preparing for medical maladies; the importance of health and safety equipment in the presence of freaky events; and we realise that maybe everything won't be so bad after all.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: We reject the Trinity and pray devoutly to you
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
Next week we're on Isla Nublar for Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom.
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It's episode 147... and I feel like I know this place. I recognise this text box.
This week is Triangle (2009). The story of a young woman who joins some new friends for a yacht party, only to have their voyage interrupted by a storm. The storm passes, and they board a creepy ship for rescue - but that's when things get really weird.
We give practical advice for first dates; pull out a classic tip from the movie survival handbook; and agree on the many benefits of arranging childcare for your kid.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: We cheated Death. No, we made a promise to Death that we didn't keep.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
Next week is Hereditary (2018).
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It's episode 146... and It's a game. It's a process of elimination. The last man standing gets to walk out of here alive.
This week it's Circle (2015), a movie about a group of people who wake up to find themselves standing in a circle, forced to vote every two minutes to decide who should die next until only one remains.
Twists abound as we chat about a movie which throws away any goodwill it developed; we talk about who we liked and didn't like best in a group of complete strangers; and we put ourselves on trial and try to find out exactly how to survive.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: We all know that we can’t vote for ourselves. [Sorry, that's really like the only quote in the film]
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
Next week we're sailing away on Triangle (2009).
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It's episode 145...and do you think that taxpayers would like it if they knew that they were paying a federal agent to surf and pick up girls?
This week it's Point Break (1991), and precocious 17-year-old Johnny Utah is spending the days with his family at their 17th-century villa in Lombardy, Italy. He soon meets Bodhi, a handsome doctoral student. Amid the sun-drenched splendor of their surroundings, Johnny and Bodhi discover the heady beauty of awakening desire over the course of a summer that will alter their lives forever. Wait a minute...
Back in the real world it's bank heists and beach bums galore in Bigelow's bombastic blockbuster - are we keen on Keanu? Do we express hesitance toward the Ex-Presidents? Does Swayze gaze lazily at ladies on hazy beaches daily? All this and more as Chris hangs a big fat ten on Joe's bank robbery quiz.
We drop in on the benefits of branding if you're a bank robber, ponder the health and safety implications of Bodhi's choice of mood lighting, and question the FBI's practice of sending recognisible minor celebrity and college football star Johnny Utah on an undercover mission without changing his name or place of residence.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
Next week it's the Twilight Zone-esque Circle (2015) - check it out on Netflix!
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It's episode 144... and above 24,000, you're at the vertical limit, you're already dying. Look at you. You can hardly stand. If you think you can stop me, go ahead.
Vertical Limit (2000) tells the story of Peter and Annie, a brother and sister who find themselves atop K2 some years after they were involved in a climbing accident which killed their father. Now bad luck has befallen them again, and Annie is trapped in an avalanche near the summit, and it's up to Peter to lead a team to save her.
We discuss the worst prepared disaster recovery team in history; how the dangers of smoking increase massively around explosives and at high altitude; and above all, how this movie represents the worst survival odds in the history of disaster recovery.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Nag, nag, nag. They always bloody nag.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
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It's episode 143... and we have your woman outlander! She still lives!
Children of the Corn (1984) tells the story of Burt and Vicky, two Outlanders, on their way to a new life on the other side of America. They pass through a series of cornfields, and soon find themselves in a town where there are no adults, only shrill children. Where are the adults? Who are the children? And who walks behind the rows?
We discuss the key tenets of being an effective lookout; the simplicity of killing or maiming your would-be attackers when they happen to be children; and we talk about an amorphous representation simulacrum of the scariest creature ever committed to cinema.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Don't ever show up in my emergency room, buddy!
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
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It's episode 142... and I thought I'd gone to the limits. I hadn't. The Cenobites gave me an experience beyond limits. Pain and pleasure, indivisible.
Hellraiser (1987) tells the story of Frank, a sexual deviant who decides to push the boundaries of human experience by opening up a portal to another world. Consequently, he loses his human body, and has to get it back in the most convoluted way imaginable, with the assistance of his husband's wife (his own former lover).
We discuss an occam's razor approach to body-harvesting; the benefits of your enemy not knowing the difference between pleasure and pain; and we offer sex tips that will drive your man wild...
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: The blood brought me back this far. I need more. You have to heal me.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
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It's episode 140... and who are we if we can't protect them? we have to protect them.
A Quiet Place (2018) tells the story of the Abbott family. Rare survivors of a deadly attack from creatures which hunt based on sound alone. The slightest sound could be enough to get your torn limb from limb, so what better way to discuss it than in a purely audio-based format.
We discuss the mealy-mouthed advice given by film-survival amateurs on the internet; the mealy-mouthed advice given by us, the experts; and the risks of going all-in on a choice when there are plenty of other options to explore.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I love you. I've always loved you.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
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It's episode 140... and Man, if I could travel through time, I'd timeportal my ass to the Bahamas.
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014) tells the story of three teenagers who experience paranormal activity taking place around their home. Luckily, they film everything with handheld video cameras, so we get to watch it play out in all its predictable, preposterous glory.
We discuss the dangers of using the wrong weapons to ambush gang members; the importance of questioning the brief before taking on a 'muscle' contract; and the merits of cycling as a primary means of transport.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Can I get a kiss on the cheek? The thing is, my cheek is right above my testicles.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
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It's episode 139... and what are they? It's pretty goddamn obvious what they are. Lab coats, badges, THOSE PEOPLE USED TO WORK HERE!
Resident Evil (2002) tells the story of a crack-team of mercenaries who are sent into the headquarters of the shady 'Umbrella Corporation' following the leak of a biological weapon. The new virus appears to be able to reanimate the dead, creating an unstoppable killing machine. Will the team escape before it's too late?
We discuss some very basic logical flaws in the failsafe systems of an international weapons manufacturer; the limitations of a sympathetic AI, and the benefits of just jumping vertically in the air and kicking your would-be killers in the face.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Even in death the human body still is active. Hair and finger nails continue to grow, new cells are produced, and the brain itself holds a small electrical charge that takes months to dissipate.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
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It's episode 137...and it's not destroying...it's making something new.
Annihilation (2018) tells the story of Lena, a biologist whose husband returns from a mysterious military mission only to fall gravely ill shortly afterwards. In order to save him, she joins an expedition following in her husband's footsteps to 'The Shimmer', a strange, expanding, luminescent cloud engulfing a coastal region in Florida. Will she discover the key to her husband's survival...or something much more unsettling?
We discuss prisms; offer witticisms and criticisms; pick through unreliable narrators and unreal nature; and, most importantly, bring criminal proceedings on whoever decided not to give this film a theatrical release in the UK.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You'd sure as hell call it a pathology if you saw this in a human.
Annihilation is still in cinemas in the US and available on Netflix worldwide. Next week we sift through the bones of Tomb Raider (2018).
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
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It's episode 136... and my old scoutmaster used to say 'If the shortcut was a shortcut, it wouldn't be called a shortcut, it would be called a route'.
The Ritual (2017) tells the story of four friends who travel into the Swedish mountains to commemorate the loss of their close friend. During the trip, one of the group becomes injured, and they decide to take a 'short cut' to civilisation through a forest. Before long, unexpected and unsettling things begin to happen, and they realise they are in rather severe danger.
We talk about the merits of eschewing sentimentality; the importance of knee exercises; and that foundational travel trip: never stray from the beaten path under any circumstances ever.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Mate, no one's ever been to Belgium by choice. What are you on about? What's in Belgium?
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
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It's episode 135... and somewhere in the world, the wrong pig met up with the wrong bat.
Contagion (2011) tells the story of a number of separate people who are all linked by their involvement in the outbreak of a deadly disease. Researchers, World Health Organisation workers, Conspiracy theorists and everyday people (played by a star-studded cast) are in a race against time to save the world from the spread of a fatal virus.
We talk about the benefits of a vegan diet; the importance of washing your hands; and the sure-fire safety of walking around all the time in a home-made hazmat suit.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: My wife makes me take off my clothes in the garage. Then she leaves out a bucket of warm water and some soap. And then she douses everything in hand sanitizer after I leave.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
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It's episode 133 and we're going to get you. We're going to get you. Not another peep. Time to go to sleep.
The Evil Dead (1981) tells the story of four students who head to a cabin in the woods to celebrate spring break. Before long, they accidentally uncover a magic book, and accidentally raise the dead. As if thats not bad enough, the dead they raise is evil! Will they make it out alive?
We talk about the a common-sense approach to nighttime safety; the benefits of chopping up your dead life partner with a chainsaw; and the importance of remembering you can punch holes in wood, when you're trapped in a wooden structure.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I fear that the only way to stop those possessed by the spirits of the book is through the act of... bodily dismemberment.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
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It's episode 132 and this is an accident, a forgotten, perpetual public works project. You think anybody wants to ask questions? All they want is a clear conscience and a fat paycheck.
Cube (1997) tells the story of a group of people who are trapped in a gigantic cube, made of thousands of smaller cubes. A large number of the cubes are filled with dreadful booby traps. Will they put their differences aside to escape? Do the numbers on the floor indicate the route forward?
We talk about the importance of group unity; whether correlation equates to causation when it comes to being named; and the importance of keeping a cool head in the face of violent coercion.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I'm just a guy, I work in an office building doing office building stuff. I wasn't exactly bursting with joie de vivre before I got here, life just sucks in general.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
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It's episode 131 and against all odds, we've finally covered a movie about astral projection.
Insidious (2010) tells the story of Renai and Josh, young parents who have just moved into a new home. When their eldest son falls into a medically unexplained coma, weird things start happening in their home - and nothing is as it seems (and nothing is as it could be predicted or worked out in a thousand years of guessing).
We talk about understanding your abilities when in a new environment; the importance of asking the important questions; and the dangers of opting for the last resort before you've tried the first, second or even third resorts.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure:I came today because last night I had a dream about this place. I was in this house, but it was late at night. I was afraid.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
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