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It's Christmas, and our second 2021 Christmas Special.
Home Sweet Home Alone (2021) tells the story of Pam and Jeff who find an heirloom worth thousands. They believe that it has been stolen by local kid Max Mercer and set out to recover it by any means necessary. By coincidence, Max's parents have accidentally left him home alone and travelled to Japan - so he'll have to fend off Pam and Jeff by making booby traps out of household products.
We discuss burns, scrapes, stabs, cuts, and bludgeonings. We talk about fire safety; common-sense PR moves; and the power of a normal human conversation.
All of which leads to one important question: how would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Uh, this is garbage. I don't know why they are always trying to remake the classics. Never as good as the originals.
Next time: We're on a break for a while. Stay tuned for further updates and see you in 2022! x
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It's episode 250...and she's still here.
Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin (2021) is the latest installment in the beloved horror franchise, and marks the first time we've watched a brand-new entry of any of our favoured franchises since we started the podcast! Margot reconnects with her estranged family who belong to an isolated Amish community, but not everything is as it seems. However, in a stroke of good fortune, Margot has brought along a documentary crew to capture crystal clear 4K footage of all the things that go bump in the night.
We revisit a modern horror staple, discuss the rights and wrongs of activities paranormal and otherwise, ask if a found footage film as ever looked less 'found' than this and ponder whether you should reconsider telling a cult member that you've uncovered some creepy cult member business going on.
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I know every Amish family within a fifty mile area and they ain't Amish.
Next time, it's Chriiiiisssstmaaaaaaaaaas.
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It's episode 249...I thought we could help him, but I was wrong. It's time we cut out the cancer.
Malignant (2021) marks James Wan's glitzy return to the horror genre with what feels like a run through the greatest hits of his filmography. We've got abductions, nightmares, haunted houses, but how well does it all hang together?
We discuss a film of two halves, the strangest martial arts movie ever made, consider health and safety tips for constructing torture dungeons, and Chris tests Joe on his single-nasty-word-horror-movie-title knowledge with his single-nasty-word-horror-movie-title quiz. All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Some of the conversations you had with Gabriel just chilled us to the bone.
Next time, it's a treat for our 250th episode: Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin (2021).
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It's episode 248...and I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave.
Face/Off (1997) tells the story of FBI agent Sean Archer, tasked with apprehending the world's most-wanted terrorist-for-hire Castor Troy. With time running out before a dirty bomb hits LA, Sean takes drastic action - impersonating a comatose Castor by stealing his face via a surgical face transplant. But things go from bad to worse when Castor wakes up and begins impersonating Sean in turn. Disaster!
We discuss John Woo, ask how sensible a mid-surgery haircut would be, ask if you're really getting the best out of two actors by asking them to play each other, and ask ourselves is this the stupidest Hollywood blockbuster ever made? All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I could eat a peach for hours.
Next time, we check out James Wan's 2021 horror smash Malignant.
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It's episode 247...and we're gonna get killed by Murder Barbie.
Freaky (2021) tells the story of Millie, a high school student who swaps bodies with a middle-aged male serial killer known as The Blissfield Butcher. Millie has until midnight on Friday the 13th to swap their bodies back - and to prevent The Butcher from running amock in her body.
We compliment a quick-thinking mass murderer; consider gun safety in a Middle American town and ponder the benefits of the hitting the open road.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: we're not here to clam jam.
Next time, 'Body Swap' season continues apace with Face/Off (1997).
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It's episode 246...and evil dies tonight.
Halloween Kills (2021), starring Jamie Lee Curtis as Laurie Strode, is (depending on your outlook) either the 12th or 3rd film in the beloved Halloween franchise, and a direct sequel to Halloween (2018), starring Jamie Lee Curtis as Laurie Strode, which itself was a direct sequel to Halloween (1978), starring Jamie Lee Curtis as Laurie Strode. If that sounds confusing then don't worry, because the good news is that Halloween Kills is so rubbish that you'll quickly stop caring at all!
We ask what went wrong, why any self-respecting modern-day slasher would draw inspiration from the very worst of the Friday the 13th films, whether 'First, do no harm' is followed by 'Second, evil dies tonight' and debate the merits of leaving a bloodied machete in the bed of a sleeping grandmother.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: People are afraid. That is the true curse of Michael.
Next time, we're swapping lives in celebration of 'Body Swap' season, starting with Freaky (2020)
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It's episode 245...and there's good man inside of you fighting to come out.
The Mummy (2017) tells the story of Nick Morton, a tomb-raiding soldier serving in Iraq. Morton accidentally becomes cursed with ancient Egyptian magic, embroiled in a shady organisation's fight against evil, and must do what it takes to prevent the Egyptian Princess Ahmanet (who has been dead for 5,000 years) from running amok.
We ask ourselves: what went wrong with this film? How much Tom Cruise is too much Tom Cruise? And look forward to a lively discussion about the transportation of rare metal in the ancient world.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: That was safely hidden for 5,000 years before you dropped a Hellfire missile on it.
Next time, it's the spookiest time of the year, so look out for Halloween Kills (2021).
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It's episode 244...and I only gamble with my life, never my money.
The Mummy (1999) tells the story of the treasure-hunting trio of Rick, Evelyn and Jonathan, who head to the Ancient Egyptian city of Hamunatpra in the hope of unearthing riches. Instead, they awaken the cursed tomb of Imhotep, who rises from the dead and brings with him the Ten Plagues of Egypt.
We crack open a 90s adventure classic, read aloud from the book of Evelyn, look upon Brendan Fraser's works and delight and, for the second film running, question why a man returned from the living dead with supernatural powers needs slaves at all.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: When Ramses destroyed Syria, that was an accident. You are a catastrophe!
Next time, it's the final part of our triple-bill of Mummies, as we finally step into the Dark Universe with The Mummy (2017).
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It's episode 243...and do you have to open graves to find girls to fall in love with?
The Mummy (1932) tells the story of Imhotep, an ancient Egyptian high priest condemned to eternal undeath for religious sacrilege, resurrected by intrepid archaeologists. Once alive, Imhotep seeks out the object of his everlasting love Anck-su-namun, who he believes is reincarnated in the form of half-Egyptian, half-British socialite Helen Grosvenor. Can a crack team of old men and lovelorn simps stop Imhotep from laying claim to Helen's soul?
We dig up and inspect the most ancient film we've ever covered, blow the dust from Boris Karloff's incredible face, offer marriage advice for1930s women and Joe ponders how best to spread the good word of the ancient Egyptian Gods.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: He went for a little walk! You should have seen his face!
Next time, it's the second of our triple-bill of Mummies, as we revisit the adventure classic The Mummy (1999).
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It's episode 242...and it could be another Jigsaw copycat.
Spiral: From the Book of Saw (2021) tells the story of Ezekial 'Zeke' Banks, a hard-boiled detective in an unnamed city, hunting down a mysterious serial killer of corrupt Police officers in a manner not unlike everyone's favourite DIY enthusiast John Kramer, aka The Jigsaw Killer.
We wonder if the Chris Rock-ification of the Saw franchise was something anybody needed and where we go from here, discuss a surprisingly gore-lite torture porn film, question the timing of a 'Cops as victims' plot in 2021 and ask why our mysterious killer would bother with the traps in the first place instead of, say, using a gun.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: John Kramer Was Right. The Spiral: A Symbol Of Change, Evolution, Progress.
Next time, it's the first of a triple-bill of Mummies, starting with Karl Freund's The Mummy (1932).
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It's episode 241... so get over here!
Mortal Kombat (2021) tells the story of 'Cole Young', a failed MMA fighter who has a strange birthmark. The birthmark automatically means he is a champion of earth, and must defend Earth Realm in the last of ten consecutive martial arts tournaments against 'Outworld' - but not if the Outworld team and its fearsome assassins have anything to say about it!
We talk about the tournament that never was; the benefits of an assassin picking the best moment. means and moniker; and question some interdimensional treaty-writing decisions.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: The fate of Earth is in OUR hands.
Next time, we're caught in a trap: It's Spiral: from the Book of Saw (2021).
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It's episode 240...and there's nothing left.
A Quiet Place Part II (2021) continues the story started in John Krasinski's A Quiet Place, as Evelyn and her children struggle for survival in a world where a single errant noise could mean a violent death. The family meet Emmett, a fellow survivor, but he isn't convinced that what's left of the world is worth saving.
We wonder if this is one of the best horror sequels of all time, discuss swamp people and the value of socks, ponder which noises would make our heads flap open, and talk about our about our experiences making our long-awaited return to the cinema.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: the people that are left, they're not the kind of people worth saving.
Next time it's a fight to the death in Simon McQuoid's Mortal Kombat (2021).
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It's episode 238...and these are dangerous times.
Godzilla vs. Kong (2021) tells the story of...well you can probably guess. There's about 40 minutes of story and 40 minutes of fighting and somehow the film is still 2 hours long. Make of that what you will.
It's time for titans, punch-ups on battleships, Hollow Earth (theory and practice), anti-gravity helicopters and building-sized ancient axes. What more could you ask for? A hastily put together quiz? You got it!
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: there can't be two alpha Titans.
Next time - it's Gerard Butler vs the apocalypse in Greenland (2021).
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It's episode 236...and I can't shake the feeling that you must have saved me for something greater than this.
Saint Maud (2020) follows Maud, a palliative nurse and evangelical Roman Catholic who believes its her Godly duty to save the soul of her athiest patient Amanda. However, as her behaviour begins to spiral out of control, we learn more about Maud's troubled past and her grandiose ideas for how to achieve Sainthood.
We break down one of the most assured horror movie debuts for many years, question the extent to which the film is about religion at all, and answer all the burning questions about the film's dramatic conclusion.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I hope you will reveal your plan for me soon.
Next time - it's time for some good, clean fun with Possessor (Brandon Cronenburg, 2020).
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It's episode 235 (despite what we might say in the intro)...and he calls out to the ones who need him -- the damaged ones.
Brahms: The Boy II (2020), unfortunately, continues and expands upon the wondeful story of Brahms, the doll first seen in The Boy (2016). Following a traumatic event, a family moves to the grounds of the mysterious Heelshire Estate in the hopes of a relaxing break. Little do they know what bland, frustrating and confusing events that will befall them.
We discuss dolls, a creepy groundskeeper who could probably throw a kettle over a pub, advise proper croquet mallet target acquisition and pick apart one of the most baffling twists in all the films we've ever watched. All that plus Joe's 'Boys in movies' quiz.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: sometimes it's fun to be scared.
Next time - we're watching the uplifting, hilarious Saint Maud (2020).
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*Apologies for the delay to this episode. We really did intend to kick off 2021 with a more rigorous schedule but unfortunately, as has been the case for many this last year, some less-than-ideal life events got in the way. Furthermore, neither of us were in the best circumstances when we recorded this, which may well be reflected in energy levels (or lack thereof) in the podcast. We'll be back and more bushy-tailed very soon.*
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It's episode 234...and we have both seen the same inhuman spirit.
The Nun (2018) expands the incredibly detailed and worthwhile Conjuring meta-Universe to tell the origin story of Valak, the nefarious demonic Nun from The Conjuring 2 (2016), a film which neither of Chris or Joe have seen.
We discuss Conjurings, convents, the Nun-based horror we wish this was, and ponder how much fatal exorcising can you let your main character get away with before he gets his come-uppance? The answer, it turns out, is plenty. Plus, stay tuned for Chris' diabolically terrible Nun Pun quiz.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I think being here is a mistake.
Next time - we're going back to the infamous Heelshire Estate for Brahms: The Boy II (2020)
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It's episode 233...and don’t take it personally. They’re just trying to figure out if you’re a gold-digging whore.
Ready or Not (2019) tells the story of newly-married Grace, who wants to make a good impression on her new husband Daniel's relatives - the mysterious Le Domas family, owners of the Le Domas boardgaming Monopoly. As is only fitting, before the happy couple start their Life together, they have a traditional family game with the newlyweds on their wedding night, but this game is less Ticket to Ride and more Ticket to Die. Can Grace Scrabble around and survive the night, or will she end up another victim of the Le Domas' arcane Operation?
We cut into a slice of (sort of) wedding-themed horror, family traditions and the adherance thereof, cults, Colts, 100-second counts, and whether one should ever make a deal with the devil. Plus, stick around at the end for Joe's attempts to return to Return to Castle Wolfenstein.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: She’ll never be one of us.
Next time - we did it to ourselves. It's The Nun (2018).
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It's episode 232...and should pale death, with treble dread, make the ocean caves our bed, God who hears the surges roll, deign to save the suppliant soul.
The Lighthouse (2019) tells the absolutely fine and normal story of Thomas's Wake and Howard, two wickies with the task of operating a remote lighthouse for a month off the coast of 19th Century New England. But can they keep their fragile friendship intact, or will the isolation take its toll? Also featuring mermaids and tentacles.
We discuss what we think actually happens in Robert Eggers' The Witch follow-up, the dangers of cabin fever, eldritch horrors and marxism, but mainly the extremely subtle and subtextual homoerotic tension of two grown men living and constantly wanking inside a big dick.
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You're gonna spill your beans.
Next time, it's the best day of our lives as we watch Ready or Not (2019).
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It's time for a bonus episode...and I'm Mrs. Voorhees, an old friend of the Christys'!
We turned 5 years old back in August and marked it by...doing absolutely nothing! So here we are, 3 months later, revisiting the film that started it all - Friday the 13th (1980).
If you didn't know, Friday the 13th tells the story of Camp Crystal Lake, and a group of teenagers who arive to help renovate the camp ahead of its grand re-opening, 30 years after a brutal double murder. What could go wrong?
We revisit a classic and ask ourselves, fresh from watching 250 other horror movies, is it any good, does it deserve its reputation (good and bad), and have the intervening years given us any new insights?
All of which leads to one important question: why aren't we cracking on with the films we're supposed to be watching?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Guess I always wanted to work with children. I hate when people call them kids. Sounds like little goats. But when you've had a dream as long as I have, you'll do anything.
Back next time with our previously scheduled programming with Robert Eggers The Lighthouse (2020).
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