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It’s episode 299…My mommy always said there were no monsters. No real ones. But there are.
Alien Resurrection (1997) is the concluding chapter in the Alien Quadrilogy, and introduces Ripley 8, a supercharged Xeno-human hybrid of Ellen Ripley, cloned in a lab to act as a genetic vessel to recover the Xenomorphs from the annals of history 200 years after both they and Ripley were obliterated in molten lava at the end of Alien 3. It really is as simple as that.
We settle some unfinished business with the lesser-loved film in one of our favourite franchises, talk about the pros and cons of 90s cool girl action, query the logic of bringing a ticking time bomb along as a passenger, and indeed the logic of firing a continent-sized bomb at Earth to save lives, and marvel at the biggest and best shoulder hair ever captured on film.
All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Ellen Ripley died trying to wipe this species out. For all intents and purposes, she succeeded!
Next time on the Patreon, we’re covering Jacob’s Ladder, ahead of our big episode 300 triple bill on the Fear Street trilogy.
How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more.
It’s episode 298…and at 50, it all stops.
The Substance (2024) follows Elisabeth Sparkle, a fading Hollywood star who is fired from her TV fitness show when she reaches 50. Learning of ‘The Substance’, a black market pharmaceutical product that promises to create ‘a better version of you’, she signs up, producing Sue - a younger, idealised version of herself who soon finds the stardom Elisabeth has lost. But, despite being the same person, Elisabeth and Sue become increasingly fractious roommates, and as their contempt for one another grows, disaster ensues.
We break down one of the best films of the last year, a tour-de-force of body horror maximalism, featuring a million shots of an arse, disgusting eating sounds and jaw-dropping prosthetic effects. But is it good? Does it, while highlighting the objectification of women, objectify women in turn? And how much arse is too much arse? All this and more to come.
All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Everything comes from you. Everything is you. This is simply a better version of yourself.
Anyone can feel strong hiding behind a piece of metal. I prefer to know my own strength.
Love Lies Bleeding (2024) tells the story of Lou, a gym owner who falls in love with Jackie, a gym user who plans to enter a bodybuilding contest. As they fall deeper in love, they become tied up in violence, deception and crime - all thanks to Lou’s family and their violent, deceitful, criminal ways.
We offer investigation tips to the FBI, question whose perspective you can really trust, and question the true romantic intention in giving someone drugs the moment you meet them.
All of which leads to one question:
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure:
It's the ones you love the most who always disappoint you in the end.
How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more.
It’s episode 296…and you’d be surprised what the human brain can edit out when it can't handle the truth.
Censor (2021) follows Enid, a censor at the BBFC during the moral panic around ‘Video Nasties’ - a 1980s proliferation of graphic horror movies flooding the new frontier of VHS home entertainment. Enid acts as a kind of moral guardian, exposing herself to these films so the wider public don’t have to, but when one film unearths her past trauma, Enid begins a spiral that will lead her to some very real horror.
We discuss a slightly muddled treatise on trauma and media influence, praise the immaculate vibes of 1980s film logos, question the security setup of low-budget film shoots and wonder whether stunt weapons are a necessity, or simply health and safety gone mad.
All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Horror is already out there, in all of us. It's in you.
Next time, we begin ‘Better Body Horror’ season with Rose Glass’ Love Lies Bleeding (2023).
How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more.
It’s episode 295…and what big eyes you have, what big hands you have.
Ghostwatch (1992) was broadcast ‘as live’ on BBC 1, on Halloween night in 1992, and saw TV stalwarts Michael Parkinson and Sarah Greene trying to prove the existence of the paranormal by taking a camera crew to ‘the most haunted house in Britain’. While the show documented the Early family’s suffering at the hands of Mr Pipes, the poltergeist, the real story began after the show’s broadcast, where tens of thousands felt duped by its immaculate recreation of 1990s live broadcasting tropes.
We break down an underrated shout for the most influential horror movie of all time, discuss a directorial tour-de-force that left a nation unable to trust some of its most beloved presenters, ponder the various reasons for the furore that followed its broadcast and wonder whether Ghostwatch could ever be made today.
All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: the studio's...completely dark. Just... just blackness.
Next time on the main feed, we’re watching Censor (2021), while on the Patreon we’re looking at cult classic Possession (1981).
How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more.
It’s episode 294…and you've made it to the belly of the beast, congratulations, very few come this far.
MaXXXine (2024) concludes Ti West’s X trilogy, following Maxine Minx in her journey to Hollywood stardom. But as she’s pursued by a mysterious leather-clad stalker, it’s not long before Maxine’s friends and colleagues start turning up dead. Is Maxine’s bloody past catching up to her, or is something even more sinister at play?
We break down an uneven conclusion to a nonetheless excellent horror movie trilogy, the gigawatt star power of Mia Goth, the corrupting influence of various forms of media across fifty years of American history, the dos and don’ts of car surveillance and the potential legality of head-crushing.
All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Do you know what happened to the last person who tried to kill me? I crushed her fucking head.
Next time we journey back to a golden moment in British TV history with Ghostwatch (1992).
How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more.
It’s episode 293…and I'm sorry, it seems I wore my long legs today.
Longlegs (2024) follows FBI agent Lee Harker, who is assigned to the case of a serial killer who is apparently responsible for compelling several patriarchs to murder their families across multiple decades, with the only trace being cryptic letters signed ‘Longlegs’. Can Agent Harker prevent more murders, and will Longlegs’ origins prove to be closer to home than she thinks?
We talk about the horror movie dubbed ‘the scariest film of the decade’, the highs and lows of a film that wants to be both arthouse and popcorn, a creepy character that evokes Old Gregg and Jennifer Coolidge, the importance of getting out of the car and whether investigating your own mum counts as a conflict of interest. Plus, isn’t it annoying when Satan inverts a trend?
All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Our prayers protect us from the devil.
Next time on the main feed, it’s the concluding part of Ti West’s X trilogy with MaXXXine (2024), while over on the Patreon we’re watching I Saw The TV Glow (2024).
aka Vermines (2023)
It’s episode 292…and are you interested in animals?
Infested/Vermines (2023) tells the story of Kaleb, a young man with a passion for selling sneakers and buying bugs. Living in a multicultural melting pot of a tower block, his friendships have become strained following the death of his mother. Can he reconnect with his Jordy, his childhood best friend, and reconcile with his sister Manon? Anything is possible if you move forward with grace and acceptance. Oh, and he also bought a new spider and it’s escaped. Probably fine.
We talk about a genuinely horrific set of spiders doing spider-y things, rave about the best bathroom scene since Mandy, pull apart the potential of PPE and wonder whether an armed policeman shouldn’t be more ‘yes and’ in his approach to life. All that, and the question on everybody’s lips - who would survive the spider tower best out of Batman, Spider-Man and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: something that kills that fast is impossible.
Next time on the main feed we’re catching up with the 2024 horror on everybody’s pale painted lips: Longlegs (2024).
How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more.
It’s episode 291…and would anyone object if I tore this floor out?
Arachnophobia (1990) takes us to the sleepy Californian town of Canaima, via the jungle sinkholes of Venezuela, to follow the story of the newly arrived family physician Dr Ross Jennings. When townsfolk begin dropping dead in mysterious circumstances, Jennings suspects foul play of the eight-legged variety, but is it just his Arachnophobia talking? No, as we’ve seen the spider, and it’s been biting and killing people.
Death comes to a Spielberg-inflected sleepy suburbia as we talk about spiders vs. dead mammals, another in a long line of creepy coroners with bad food hygiene, programmes you’d take your phone off the hook for and why an entomologist suddenly becomes a spider-freak.
All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: A web would indicate an arachnoid presence.
Next time on the main feed, it’s Spider season, with creepy-crawly classic Vermines/Infested (2023), meanwhile it’s Shyamalan time on the Patreon with Knock at the Cabin (2023).
How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more.
It’s episode 290…and the Internet and dreams are similar. They're areas where the repressed conscious mind escapes.
Paprika (2006) follows its titular dream-based protagonist, and her real-life alter ego Dr Atsuko Chiba, as she administers a futuristic form of therapy using a prototype device called the DC Mini. However, when so-called ‘Dream Terrorists’ steal the devices and use it to run rampant through other people’s dreams with disastrous results, it’s up to Dr Chiba and her motley crue of scientists to find them before it’s too late.
We break down the second half of Anime horror/Satoshi Kon/’films that Hollywood sort of remade with just enough changes to avoid a lawsuit’ season (what could this film about a device that allows you to invade other people’s dreams have inspired I wonder?) and discuss the joys and pains of a creative portrayal of limitless dreamspace, characters both paper thin and fatphobic, and rank spices/condiments based on Joe’s usage relative to Ketchup and Mayo. Plus, what would make Chris finally commit to buying a neuralink?
All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: The shade of the tree with the flowers that bloom at night is where the residents of darkness rest. The people of daytime are not allowed!
Next time on the main feed, it’s Spider season, with creepy-crawly classic Arachnophobia (1990).
How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more.
It’s episode 289…and you're tarnished and filthy.
Perfect Blue (1997) follows the story of Mima, a Japanese pop idol who gives up singing at the advice of her management in order to pursue an acting career instead. What follows is a descent into paranoia and doubt as Mima begins to lose track of who she is, all as mysterious murders occur in her vicinity.
Part one of Anime Horror/inspiration for legally distinct Hollywood movie season kicks off with a bang, as we discuss an artful treatise on the nature of identity, the often problematic sexualisation of young women in Japanese media, whether truck drivers should be more urgent with braking and well-trodden path of Disney actor to sexually explicit pop star.
All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: illusions can't come to life.
Next time on the main feed, we’re watching another Satoshi Kon staple with Paprika (2006), while it's Red Dot (2021) on the Patreon bonus feed.
How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more.
It’s episode 288…and we have travelled further into space than any humans before us.
Aniara (2018) follows a titular ship of evacuees escaping a climate-ravaged Earth as they set out for a new life on Mars. When a collision with some space debris results in the ship losing all control, the Aniara begins to drift further out into deep space. As weeks turn into years, we see isolation, terror and nihilism overwhelm the passengers. Is there any salvation?
We reach peak bleak, discuss sex cults and eating algae, break down a painfully resonant allegory for climate nihilism while making the case for radical optimism, and try against all the odds to find a survival method in an unsurvivable situation.
All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Once the passengers get used to eating algae, we'll go public with the situation.
Next time on the main feed, we’re watching Perfect Blue (1997) as part of a season of Anime Horror films. Got a suggestion for great anime horror? Send it our way via our Patreon.
How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more.
It’s episode 287…and you mean more to me than any scientific truth.
Solaris (1973) sees psychologist Kriss Kelvin dispatched to a space station orbiting the titular planet to see if the skeleton crew’s reports of strange goings on and mysterious 4 metre tall babies are to be believed, or whether it’s a simple case of space madness. While there, he is disturbed by the presence of unexpected ‘guests’ on the station, not least the appearance of his wife Hari, who died a decade earlier.
We talk about a Soviet science fiction classic, discuss what it means to be human, whether Solaris is just a planet-sized printer, draw up a cost/benefit analysis of firing antique oak bookshelves into space and finally find out the question on everyone’s lips - can you eat a burger made out of neutrinos? Plus, a heartwarming story about Joe’s young son being obsessed with going to the moon.
All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Whenever we show pity, we empty our souls.
Next time on the main feed it’s more Space Madness with Aniara (2018), while over on the Patreon it’s the turn of Twilight (2008), our monthly bonus film.
How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more.
It’s episode 286…and I will make the land desolate so that your enemies who settle it shall be appalled by it.
Mad God (2021) is the singular vision of Phil Tippett, the stop motion genius behind Star Wars’ AT-ATs and RoboCop’s ED-209. Over the course of 30 years he slowly created what some believe to be his opus–Mad God–a nightmarish film with very little clear story, but an awful lot of grotesque imagery.
We talk about a film that is both an impressive technical exercise and a hollow procession of misery, the nauseating levels of skill required to produce it, whether we’d be sad if Gromit died and whether the individual behind dozens of screens showing a babbling baby’s face should give more thought to workplace safety.
All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Your land shall become a desolation and your cities a ruin.
Next month, we’re watching a couple of ‘Space Madness’ films - Solaris (1972) and Aniara (2018).
It’s episode 285! And I’d rather kill myself than work here.
Stopmotion (2024) tells the story of Ella, a Stopmotion Artist, who is pouring her heart and soul into creating something truly outstanding. Stepping out from her Stopmotion Artist mother’s shadow, Ella is tempted by opportunities to be a Stopmotion Artist at an advertising agency, urged to slow her down her Stopmotion Artist lifestyle - but it may just be too little too late.
We talk about the productivity-gains that come from slowing down; the commercial impact of using rotten meat girls to advertise your products; and thoughts of Nick Park sharing a hovel with Wallace and Gromit.
All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?
Next time on Patreon.com/howtosurvivepod, it’s The Green Knight!
It's Episode 284 and congratulations to Emma Jones in Monkeys Running the Zoo III.
Candyman (1992) tells the story of Helen, a grad-student investigating urban legends - or more specifically one urban legend about 'Candyman' - a hook-handed slasher who appears if you say his name five times in a mirror - and promptly disembowels you. Not much of an incentive to summon him overall, but what a premise!
We talk about correct police procedures; optimal concussion care; and rubbish foreplay - all before alighting on one major question: how would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: We're going to Disneyland!
Find more episodes at patreon.com/howtosurvivepod.
See you next month!
How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more.
It's episode 280...and whoever we contacted, they followed us.
Talk To Me (2023) follows Mia, a teenager struggling to move on following the overdose-related death of her mother. When her school friends discover how to summon spirits using a mysterious embalmed hand, Mia becomes obsessed with contacting the dead, and even allowing them to take possession of her. What could go wrong?
Let us in and hear us talk about the apparent fully-formed arrival of another modern horror classic, discuss a complex navigation of grief and trauma through the medium of head-smashing and eyeball-plucking, ponder whether all drugs definitely contain rat poison, and scrutinise the security policy of Australian hospitals.
All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I have this recurring where I'm looking in the mirror and my reflection is gone. Like I don't exist.
Next time…it’s Chriiiiiiistmaaaaassss…