How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 232...and should pale death, with treble dread, make the ocean caves our bed, God who hears the surges roll, deign to save the suppliant soul.

The Lighthouse (2019) tells the absolutely fine and normal story of Thomas's Wake and Howard, two wickies with the task of operating a remote lighthouse for a month off the coast of 19th Century New England. But can they keep their fragile friendship intact, or will the isolation take its toll? Also featuring mermaids and tentacles.

We discuss what we think actually happens in Robert Eggers' The Witch follow-up, the dangers of cabin fever, eldritch horrors and marxism, but mainly the extremely subtle and subtextual homoerotic tension of two grown men living and constantly wanking inside a big dick.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You're gonna spill your beans.

Next time, it's the best day of our lives as we watch Ready or Not (2019).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's time for a bonus episode...and I'm Mrs. Voorhees, an old friend of the Christys'!

We turned 5 years old back in August and marked it by...doing absolutely nothing! So here we are, 3 months later, revisiting the film that started it all - Friday the 13th (1980).

If you didn't know, Friday the 13th tells the story of Camp Crystal Lake, and a group of teenagers who arive to help renovate the camp ahead of its grand re-opening, 30 years after a brutal double murder. What could go wrong?

We revisit a classic and ask ourselves, fresh from watching 250 other horror movies, is it any good, does it deserve its reputation (good and bad), and have the intervening years given us any new insights? 

All of which leads to one important question: why aren't we cracking on with the films we're supposed to be watching?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Guess I always wanted to work with children. I hate when people call them kids. Sounds like little goats. But when you've had a dream as long as I have, you'll do anything.

Back next time with our previously scheduled programming with Robert Eggers The Lighthouse (2020).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 226...and this time travel crap, just fries your brain like a egg..

Looper (2012) tells the story of Joe, a 'Looper'. Loopers are assassins who kill people sent from the future, where time travel exists but is controlled by criminal gangs. There are also psychic people. Fun and games ensue when Joe is ordered to kill a 30-year-older version of himself. 

We discuss then whens, wheres and whyfors of mute begging, hoverbike jousting, propose picking a safe word for you and your older self, and Joe outs himself as a Little Monster masquerading as a Moonage Daydreamer.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: This is a Remington 870. One blast could cut you the f*ck in half.

Join us next time as we go under the skin of Jonathan Glazer's Under the Skin (2013)

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 225...and I guess you guys aren't ready for that yet. But your kids are gonna love it.

Back to the Future (1985) tells the story of Marty McFly, a precocious teen with deadbeat parents and a good friend in Doc Brown, a local inventor and all-round eccentric. When Marty helps Doc test his newly-constructed time machine, he winds up stranded three decades earlier in 1955. Can he convince the younger Doc Brown to help him, and can he make sure his high schooler parents still meet and fall in love?

It's time for celebration as we mark the 35th anniversary of one of the greats of family adventure cinema, and cover all the usual ground - fawning potrayals of Americana, desperate levels of product placement, troubling depictions of sexual violence, the ending's facist overtones, and elderly men welding U-Boats in a 3ft canal in West London.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Nobody calls me chicken!

Join us next time as we carry on time travelling in Rian Johnson's Looper (2012).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 224... and change doesn't happen spontaneously.

The Platform (2019) (or El Hoyo (2019) depending on whether you are in spain or not), tells the story of Gorreng, a man who wakes up in a vertical prison of several hundred floors. Each day, a platform lowers food from the top floor downwards, with prisoners relying on the lack of greed of those above them in order to eat. Why? Well, why not?

We talk about the benefits of a mobile vegetable patch; how to make sure your message is received by delivering it in person; and the importance of really thinking through the design of a prison system before you open.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: hunger releases that madman in us.

Join us next time as we go Back to the Future (1985).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 223...these are just things. They can be replaced.

mother! (2017) stars Jennifer Lawrence as Mother in the completely straightforward and simple story of a man and woman who live in a house. When some strangers arrive and begin to take liberties with Mother's hospitality, tensions begin to rise. What follows is an absolutely normal time with normal events and nothing out of the ordinary with no double-meaning whatsoever.

We get our metaphorrors and alleghorrorcals confused, give hypnobirthing advice, discuss unruly house parties and unruly house party guests and, above all else, take everything the film has to offer at face value with no attempt to read anything into the events and themes of the film.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I wanna make a Paradise.

Next episode is the Netflix-distributed The Platform (2020)!

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 222... and failure is not an option.

Happy Death Day 2U (2019) reunites us with our favourite hungover student Tree for more time-looping horror hijinks, but this time with a pop sci-fi twist. How much merit can there be in repeating the premise of a film about repeating the same events over and over? Well...some merit, as it turns out. 

We offer some much-needed architectural advice, dig into some surprising emotional depth, discuss the life and future works of Christopher Landon and, most importantly, check what film our mate Joe watched on his birthday this year.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Once a douchebag, always a douchebag.

Next episode, as voted for by the patrons, is mother! (2016)

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 221... and he said that wherever I went, he would find me, walk right up to me, and I wouldn't be able to see him

The Invisible Man (2020) tells the story of an invisible man. Or does it? Cecilia has just escaped an abusive relationship, and her ex has apparently died by suicide - but now she has the distinct feeling that she's being haunted and hunted by his invisible presence. 

We suggest swinging away; creating an even playing field; and the merits of being able to accept when a relationship is over.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: if Adrian calls, tell him I can't see him.

Next episode: Happy Death Day 2 U (2019).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

A quick update from your two favourite survivors. For anyone who can't listen:

- We're going to start doing the podcast again, but releasing irregularly for a while.

- From May 1st the Patreon will act as a 'tip jar'. There will be a single '1$ and up' tier, and no exclusive content. Feel free to pledge as much or as little as you like. All HTS content going forward will be freely available until further notice.

- All proceeds from the Patreon will go to the WHO COVID-19 Response Fund until further notice.

- Joe is launching his 2001 episode this week.

- We're recording our first proper episode since the hiatus - on The Invisible Man (2020) - this week.

Last, but not least - we hope you're all doing okay. 

Email us at howtosurviveshow@gmail.com and find us on Patreon at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

We're still on hiatus.

But guess what - we're going to the polls to decide Joe's child's first ever movie.

Download to find out more - and take advantage of the fact that we've currently disabled billing on our Patreon so you can listen to everything for free! www.patreon.com/howtosurvivepod

Get in touch: howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

*Editors note: The weird echoey thing is largely gone, but there's still a bit of it. Sorry about that.*

It's a New Nightmare (1994), which tells the story of Heather Langengkamp who played Nancy in A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) playing a fictionalised version of herself (the actress) playing the character again for a final time, but in the process of filming it (in the fictional world of the film) she begins to be haunted by Freddy Krueger (in both the movie she's filming, and her real life, which is a film). It is meta.

We talk about the fact that it is meta, the essentials of safe playground engineering, and the most selfish act of screenwriting ever committed to on-screen screenwriting. 

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I think the only way to stop him is to make another movie.

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

*Editors note: As with the Home Alone episode, we recorded this in Joe's echoey garage - so it sounds a bit weird. Sorry!*

It's Boxing Day! That can only mean one thing - we find another random Christmas film to cover because there are only really two Die Hard films that are related to Christmas. Why not cover one of the many, many Christmas-themed horror movies, given that we are a horror podcast, I hear you ask? Well, because then we wouldn't be covering the Arnie-led slapstick classic Jingle All The Way.

As you'd expect from a Christmas movie this episode is all about disappointing your family members, poor administrative application, being unable to recognise your husband at a a distance of 5ft, inappropriate handling of suspect packages and whether anyone would really hit on Arnold Schwarzenegger's wife.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: It's Turbo Time!

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

*Editors note: We recorded in Joe's garage for the first time using unfamiliar equipment, so the audio sounds a bit spacier than usual. Apologies!*

It's Christmas! That can only mean one thing - we retread old traditions despite no-one finding the joy in them that we once had. In that spirit, we tackle the unloved, unwanted child of the Home Alone franchise - the made-for-TV Home Alone: The Holiday Heist (2012).

It's lumps of coal for Christmas all round as we unwrap another certifiable stinker - bland family humour, joyless retooling of traps from previous editions and, bafflingly, Malcolm McDowell as the main villain. Pour yourself a mulled wine as your two favourite podcasting Tiny Tims mull, and whine about once again ending up on the podcast naughty list.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I don't care, and I can't hear you.

Look out for another special podcast hitting your feeds on Boxing Day!

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 219...I've had it with these...well, you know the rest.

Snakes on a Plane (2006) tells the story of cool surfer dude Sean who inadvertently witnesses a gangland murder and winds up under the protection of FBI agent Flynn. Can Flynn get Sean back to Los Angeles to testify, or will the nefarious Eddie Kim try and kill Sean before he arrives - maybe by, I don't know, filling the entire plane with horny snakes?

We flick our forked tongues over a B-movie with a Hollywood budget, Joe questions Samuel L Jackson's acting legacy and we ask whether it's possible there might just have been a simpler solution for Eddie Kim's problem than filling a jumbo jet with snakes?

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Time is tissue.

Next week, it's Christmas time, and on that can only mean one thing...

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 218...and they made some mess too. Smashing into buildings and everything. They always make a mess.

The Birds (1963) tells the story of some birds who, sick and tired of having the unfettered freedom of the skies, wish to rise up and attack the land-dwelling human population too. So, they migrate, only this time, they're migrating straight into your eyes, beaks-first, and there's not a damn thing you, me, Mitch or poor Melanie Daniels can do about it.

We discuss one of the all-time classics of the horror genre - does it stand up after all these years? More importantly, does it walk on two taloned feet? Does it dive at you as you're filling your car with petrol and, most importantly, does it lurk behind you in the school playground as you're innocently having your tenth cigarette of the morning waiting at the school where your beau's ex-lover works to check on your beau's younger sister at the behest of your beau's mother? Plus, we ask which weapon is best for killing birds - a baseball bat or a tennis racket? Also, should you stalk a man you barely know for the sake of a prank? All this, and many more Hitchcock impressions than you could ever want or need.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: The very concept is unimaginable. Why, if that happened, we wouldn't have a chance!

Next week, we continue 'Animals in Films' season with the oft-requested and long-awaited Snakes on a Plane (2006)

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 217...how dare you disobey your mother?!

Coraline (2009) tells the story of Coraline (duh), a precocious and bored 11-year old girl who discovers an alternate world hidden through a tunnel in her house, where everything is exactly as it seems and it's all fine and there's nothing at all to worry about, the end. Except for rats, bats, button-eyes, and the nefarious Other Mother.

We ask whether animated 'horror' can ever be scary, if body-free body horror exists, Joe proposes a baseball bat-shaped solution to Coraline's woes, and we delve into the murky world of MK-Ultra with the help of a spurious conspiracy theory website.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Now you're going to stay here forever.

Next week, you'll be flocking back to the podcast for the start of 'Animals in Films' season with an all-time classic: Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds (1963).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 216...and I’m running away from myself, I guess.

Doctor Sleep (2019) is Mike Flanagan's sequel to Stanley Kubrick's adaptation of Stephen King's The Shining, but also an adaptation of Stephen King's Doctor Sleep, itself a sequel to Stephen King's The Shining, but one that disavows the changes made by Stanley Kubrick's The Shining, changes that Mike Flanagan reinstates in his Doctor Sleep, in order to serve as a sequel to both The Shining and The Shining. Confused? Surprisingly, you won't be, as it's one of the best horror movies of the year.

Here's Joey and Chris to discuss, all the film's various Abras and kadabras, astral projections and Overlooks, confirm why you should always wear your seatbelt no matter how many centuries old you are, and most importantly, ask how on Earth they managed to make what is a quite excellent film against all the odds. 

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: The world is a hungry place, and a dark place.

Next week, it's Animated Horror season for one week only, with the oft-requested Coraline (2009).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod 

It's episode 215...and break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue.

Hamlet (1996) tells the story of Prince Hamlet. After his father dies in a suspicious orchard accident, Hamlet struggles to adjust to life with his uncle as his new stepdad. The same uncle is also the king now, and everyone is feeling very guilty, and before long Hamlet kills someone by accident, and then a bunch of other people die. It's four hours long

We discuss rotten happenings in the state of Branagh, give advice to the King on how to better hide your guilt or otherwise replicate a successful crime, and ask if this is the most expensive vanity project ever?

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Hide fox and all after!

Next week, it's four hours of fun with Kenneth Branagh and Hamlet (1996).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod 

It's episode 214...and don't let 'I dare not' wait upon 'I would'

Macbeth (2015) tells the story of Macbeth. After hearing from some witches that he will be king, Macbeth decides to take matters into his own hands to move things along. Assisted by his wife, they kill the current king - but not everyone is happy about it. In fact nobody is happy about it. Especially Macbeth.

This is one of the most visually spectacular movies you'll ever see, and we discuss its merits as an adaptation; it's use as a teaching aid; and compare it with other versions. Alongside some tips in guilt management, you'll hear our thoughts on keeping a cool head during a crime; and keeping the central heating bill down.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Was the hope drunk,
Wherein you dress'd yourself? 

Next week, it's four hours of fun with Kenneth Branagh and Hamlet (1996).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod