How to Survive

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How to Survive: Color Out of Space (2019) 0

Aug 30, 2023

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It's episode 274...and what touched this place cannot be quantified or understood by human science.

Color out of Space (2019) tells the story of the Gardener family, who have recently left the city to start farming alpacas. As they begin to embrace country life, a meteor lands on their property, bringing with it unseen and unimaginable horrors.

Cosmic Horror season wraps up with the movie that's widely considered to be the best H.P. Lovecraft adaptation. We talk about the benefits of embracing firearms; some straightforward PPE advice; and the failures of a public health official to do even a rudimentary job.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: It came from the stars... where things ain't like they are here.

Jump on Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to suggest what we should cover next!

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How to Survive: In The Mouth Of Madness (1994) 0

Aug 16, 2023

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It's episode 273...and I'm not insane, you hear me! I'M NOT INSANE!

In The Mouth Of Madness (1994) tells the story of John Trent, sent to investigate the disappearance of horror novelist Sutter Cane, and recover the manuscript for his latest novel. As an epidemic of violent behaviour spreads across the land, Trent tracks Cane to Hobb’s End, a town previously thought to exist only in Cane’s novels. There, Trent will discover unimaginable horrors that have the potential to rewrite reality in terrible ways.

Cosmic Horror season kicks off with a Carpenter love letter to HP Lovecraft. Expect tension and tentacles, madness and monsters, plus an extended discussion of whether or not it’s ok to only give an axe murderer a bucket to use as a toilet.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Every species can sense its own extinction.

Next time, Cosmic Horror season continues with The Color Out Of Space (2019).

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How to Survive: Inland Empire (2006) 0

Aug 2, 2023

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It's episode 272...and I don't like this kind of talk; the things you're saying.

Where exactly do you start with Inland Empire (2006)?

Ostensibly the story of Nikki, an actor cast in a remake of a supposedly cursed film in which the actors were murdered, what follows is a three hour psychological horror tone poem in which fiction and reality repeatedly collide, break down and are rebuilt. Lynch runs the gamut of everything from surreal rabbit sitcoms to surreal Polish neo-realism, with Laura Dern clinging on for dear life at the centre of his artistic hurricane. It might just be a work of genius.

July's David Lynch season concludes with a borderline incomprehensible piece of arthouse cinema as we ask ourselves a series of unanswerable questions: What does it all mean? Is this the ugliest-looking film we've ever watched? How do you survive a painting? Plus, crowbarred comparisons to safer ground as we variously compare it to Mission Impossible and Stewart Lee, and a piece of genuinely scholarly film studies work from one of our patrons.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: This is a story that happened yesterday. But I know it's tomorrow.

Next time out it's Cosmic Horror season, kicking off with John Carpenter's In The Mouth Of Madness (1994).

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How to Survive: Mulholland Drive (2001) 0

Jul 19, 2023

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It's episode 271...and I want ya to "think" and stop bein' a smart aleck. Can ya try that for me?

Mulholland Drive (2001) tells the story of Betty, an aspiring actress new to the Hollywood scene who tries to help amnesiac Rita rediscover her identity following a mysterious car crash. Someone appears to be chasing Rita, and mobsters and movie directors might be involved too--what's really going on? Layers of reality unravel in classic Lynch-ian fashion as identities and dreams are deconstructed with tragic results.

The first episode of July's David Lynch season gives us the chance to talk about a genuine cinematic masterpiece, the joy of David Lynch's work on-screen and his real life persona, cows by the side of the road, DVD insert red herrings and, of course, dreams of snail penises.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I'd rather be known as a great actress than a movie star. But, you know, sometimes people end up being both.

Next week it's bonus pod time, with this month's Patreon pick: Fresh (2022).

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How to Survive: Sleepaway Camp (1983) 0

Jul 5, 2023

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It's episode 270...and If she were any quieter, she'd be dead!

Sleepaway Camp (1983) follows the teenage Angela on her first trip away to Camp Arawak, several years after losing her father and brother in a terrible speedboat accident. Soon after their arrival, strange and fatal events being to befall the workers and guests of Camp Arawak. Are these mere accidents, or is Angela hiding a sinister secret?

We talk about one of the most surprising--and as it turns out, interesting--endings in the history of horror movies, the complex gender politics of what appears to be a by-the-numbers slasher, and spend a surprising amount of time discussing The Sopranos, Napoleon and Bartleby, the Scrivener.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: it certainly will be a nice little surprise when Richard comes home to find a little girl in the house.

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How to Survive: M3gan (2022) 0

Jun 21, 2023

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It's episode 269...and Allow me to tell you a little bit about my wormhole. I was born in a sandwich hat, and I wolf many cabbages.

M3gan (2022) tells the story of Gemma, a roboticist at a toy manufacturing company. Gemma becomes guardian to her niece, Cady, following the deaths of Cady's parents. Early in the guardianship she introduces Cady to M3gan, an experimental android toy that could be any child's best friend - but let's be honest, it's probably not going to end well.

We discuss ethics in AI; Asimovian ideals; legal precedents for toy manufacturers getting it wrong; and Chris wonders how his foot would fare against several inches of titanium.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: That's what spontaneous response is. It's a curated word salad plucked from a sea of data to sound deliberate.

Next time on the How to Survive podcast, it's Sleepaway Camp (1983) - or head to Patreon.com/howtosurvivepod for next week's bonus: Saloum (2021).

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How to Survive: Fall (2022) 0

Jun 7, 2023

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more.

It's episode 268...and Life is fleeting. Life is short, too short. So you gotta use every moment.

Fall (2022) tells the story of Becky, a climbing hobbyist who has descended into a deep depression following the death of her partner one year earlier--no prizes for guessing what happened to him. Becky's friend Hunter knows there's only one thing that can break Becky out of her funk, and that's coercing her into climbing a rickety 2000ft radio tower in the middle of the desert with no support and without telling anyone their plans. What could possibly go wrong?

We discuss an absolutely textbook 'My First Horror' film, a classic tale of bad friends behaving badly, an update on the recent misadventures of YouTubers, and the dignity of stuffing a shoe into your friends abdomen in the name of survival. Plus, an update on our Vertical Limit episode--would Joe still free climb a crane for £1million?

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Don't you wanna punch fear in the dick?

Next month on the How to Survive podcast, it's 'Monkeys Running The Zoo' season, in which our lovely patrons choose the films we cover. Keep your eyes peeled!

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How to Survive: Cliffhanger (1993) 0

May 24, 2023

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It's episode 267...and kill a few people, they call you a murderer. Kill a million and you're a conqueror.

Cliffhanger (1993) follows a team of mountain rescue rangers, led by the inexplicably muscly and capable Gabe, as they become mixed up in a group of thieves' plot to steal $100m from a US Treasury flight. With suitcases of money scattered across the Colorado Rockies, it's a race against time for Gabe to stop the nefarious Qualen and rescue his mountain climbing buddies.

We discuss a post-Die Hard 90s schlock masterpiece, ask how well it communicates the terror of high places, break down some slightly surprising gender politics and do a deep dive into the question of whether or not Stallone can actually act at all.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Your friend just had the costliest funeral ever.

Next time, 'Fear of Heights' season continues with Fall (2022).

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How to Survive: Scanners (1981) 0

May 10, 2023

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It's episode 266...and I've never seen anything so disgusting in all my life.

Scanners (1981) introduces us to Cameron Vale, a down-on-his-luck vagrant who unintentionally causes a seizure in a woman using the power of his mind. Captured by the mysterious ConSec, Cameron is brought into the murky world of Scanners, people with unusual telepathic and telekinetic abilities, only to find himself under threat from the nefarious Revok, a man unafraid to use his abilities to produce head-splattering results.

We discuss a somewhat disappointing Cronenberg entry, unflattering comparisons to Marvel films and Neil Breen, ponder the best tactics for capturing mind-control warriors and ask ourselves whether the best way to introduce yourself to someone is to essentially torture them from the get-go.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: We're gonna do this the Scanner way. I'm gonna suck your brain dry!

Next time, strap yourselves in for 'Fear of Heights' season, opening with campy 90s action classic Cliffhanger (1993).

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How to Survive: Videodrome (1983) 0

Apr 19, 2023

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It's episode 265...and the television screen is the retina of the mind's eye.

Videodrome (1983) tells the story of slimy TV executive Max Renn, who specialises in digging up obscure softcore pornography and bloody violence to broadcast to the feverish masses on his cable TV station. But, when Max comes into contact with the extreme and nightmarish violence of Videodrome, things begin to unravel, leading to hallucinations, BDSM-infused re-enactments and the transference of violent media into violent reality.

We discuss chest wound gun holsters, a prescient depiction of the anxieties and effects of violent media, dig into the most thematically-packed 90 minute movies we’ve ever seen, unpick a gory special effects masterclass and ponder whether, if you want to stop someone investigating something, whether it’s a good idea to give them loads of information to help them do just that.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Death to Videodrome. Long live the new flesh!

Next time, it’s exploding heads o’clock as David Cronenberg Season continues with Scanners (1981).

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How to Survive: Interview With The Vampire (1994) 0

Apr 4, 2023

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It's episode 264...and it's your coffin, my love. Enjoy it. Most of us never get to know what it feels like.

Interview With The Vampire (1994) spins a century-spanning yarn of epic proportions, following the listless slave plantation owner Louis de Pointe du Lac, as he is bitten and transformed into an immortal creature by vampire Lestat de Lioncourt. Much like a new parent, an apparently endless future of night feeds causes Louis to have an existential crisis lasting decades as he stands and morosely observes various comings and goings across New Orleans, Paris and San Francisco, eventually relating this to a journalist in the modern day for our pleasure(?).

It’s a bloody diet of ham and mince as Brad Pitt sulks, Tom Cruise camps it up and a 10-year old Kirsten Dunst steals the show, in what is an unusual and somewhat misguided and often boring Vampiric fable pondering the meaning of life. We discuss blatant homoeroticism, outline the unique qualities of the vampire interviewees, question the reasoning of an exclusively rat-based diet and ponder whether we’ve already passed the best time in our lives to be made eternal beings. What other dark gifts might we find? There’s only one way to find out.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I was mortal until you gave me your immortal kiss.

Next time, it’s the start of David Cronenberg Season with Videodrome (1983).

How to Survive: Interview With The Vampire (1994) 0

Apr 4, 2023

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more.

It's episode 264...and it's your coffin, my love. Enjoy it. Most of us never get to know what it feels like.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I was mortal until you gave me your immortal kiss.

Next time, it’s the start of David Cronenberg Season with Videodrome (1983).

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How to Survive: The Lost Boys (1987) 0

Mar 15, 2023

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It's episode 263...and it's actually a pretty cool place… if you're a Martian!

The Lost Boys (1987) puts us into the youth culture hotbed of 1980s Santa Clara, the supposed 'murder capital' of the United States. To the newly arrived Michael and Sam Emerson the summer presents opportunities of new beginnings, new friends and new hobbies which, for Michael at least, means things like riding motorbikes, hanging from bridges, floating uncontrollably and drinking blood from an ornate ceremonial glass.

If that all sounds like a classic case of vampirism then you're not alone, and Sam enlists the help of local vampire hunters Edgar and Alan Frog to kill the lead vampire and cure his brother. All good, normal stuff.

We oil ourselves up and strut our stuff, saxophones in hand, to break down a beloved vampire cult classic; namecheck Coreys Feldman and Haim, Jack Bauer and Gob Bluth; question why vampires would live in California; and consider what kind of local knowledge a Grandfather should be passing on. Plus, we try to get to the bottom of Chris' hatred of 'cool' 80s cult movies.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You’d better get yourself a garlic T-shirt, buddy, or it’s your funeral.

Next time, vampire season continues apace with Interview With The Vampire (1994).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

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How to Survive: Pitch Black (2000) 0

Mar 1, 2023

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more.

It's episode 262...and All you people are so scared of me. Most days I'd take that as a compliment. But it ain't me you gotta worry about now.

Pitch Black (2000) tells the story of a group of spaceship crash survivors. Among them, the fearsome criminal maniac, Riddick. They promptly realise that the planet is inhabited by creatures that attack in the darkness. And unfortunately the planet is about to experience its first triple-eclipse in two decades. But luckily Riddick can see in the dark.... (honestly it's not as bad as it sounds...)

Join us as we outline the value of being nice and of ignoring compasses; query the evolutionary direction of an alien race; and stress the importance of not flying through meteorites after a meteorite-related crash.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You're 79 kilos of gutless white meat, and that's why you can't think of a better plan.

Next time, vampire season gets underway with The Lost Boys (1987)

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How to Survive: The Butterfly Effect (2003) 0

Feb 15, 2023

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It's episode 261...and I guess charisma and eyeliner go a long way.

The Butterfly Effect (2003) tells the story of Evan, a college student who suffered from blackouts during traumatic moments in his childhood. When reading an old diary, he discovers he can travel back into his younger self during the blackouts, and even change what happened, radically altering his future reality. Can he engineer the perfect life, or will the flap of Evan's teenage wings cause disastrous metaphorical hurricanes for him and his loved ones?

We discover the downside of revisiting an adolescent favourite, discuss the best way to approach an explosive device, outline the importance of choosing not to murder people and, most crucially, talk about why reading a traumatic diary entry makes for a terrible precursor to a one night stand.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You can't change who people are without destroying who they were.

Next time, we're going back to another of our old favourites from when we were teenagers to see how well they hold up, and this time it's Chris' pick: Pitch Black (2000)

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How to Survive: Bodies Bodies Bodies (2022) 0

Feb 1, 2023

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It's episode 260...and we're not as nihilistic as we look on the internet. That's just what we want you to think.

Bodies Bodies Bodies (2022) tells the story of Bee, who attends a 'hurricane party' at the home of her girlfriend's friends. During a game of 'bodies bodies bodies' (a game similar to murder in the dark), one of the friends is killed for real. What ensues is a treat for horror / thriller / comedy fans everywhere.

We discuss the best ways to combat a bad drug experience; the merits of sleeping in a car; and whether we have in fact become old.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: The best defence is a good offence.

Next time, it's I'm 14 and this is Deep Season, with The Butterfly Effect.

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How to Survive: The Black Phone (2022) 0

Jan 18, 2023

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It's episode 259...and you don't think they're going to find them, do you?

The Black Phone (2022) tells the story of Finney and Gwen, brother and sister living in a 1970s Denver suburb. Children have been disappearing, and people live in fear of The Grabber, the mysterious individual that could be responsible. When Finney is kidnapped, he finds he is able to communicate with The Grabber's previous victims through a magical phone. Meanwhile, Gwen's supernatural abilities could hold the key to finding Finney before it's too late. Sounds like a Stephen King novel, you say? You must be Joe King.

We unpack a high-quality My First Horror movie that ably walks the tightrope of nastiness, discuss the best tactics for escaping a vehicle on foot, break down the safety features of 1970s freezers, and wonder whether this film features the most incompetent police officers we've ever seen.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: A man never leaves a friend behind.

Next time, we're continuing our 2022 wrap-up with Bodies Bodies Bodies.

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How to Survive: Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011) 0

Dec 26, 2022

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It's Boxing Day, and there's a mole at the very top of The Circus...

No, it's not a strange sequel to Wind in the Willows... Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011) tells the story of George Smiley and all his friends as he tries to work out which one of them is a traitor, working under the pay of the KGB. (Smiley, it should be noted, is a member of the British Foreign Intelligence service, and it's generally quite bad when a member of the service is selling secrets to the Soviets).

We discuss the risks of falling in love; the benefits of being likeable; and the merits of mistrusting anything that's too good to be true.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

This film was chosen by our Patron, Steve. If you want to help us decide the films we cover, head to Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod and sign up to unlock bonus episodes, early launches and more!

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I bet you're the best watcher in the unit. As long as you've got your specs on.

Next up we're rounding out 2022 with a few films we missed along the way.

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How to Survive: Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010) 0

Dec 24, 2022

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It's Christmas Eve, and that can only mean one thing...the Coca-Cola Santa is just a hoax.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010) tells the story of a group of researchers who, while drilling into a mountain in Lapland, make an incredible and terrifying discovery that rewrites everything we know about Father Christmas. Can a nearby group of Reindeer farmers and their children save the day in time for Christmas?

We discuss a festive horror favourite that turns out to be a surprisingly heartfelt Christmas treat, a classic tale of Father Son bonding, question the gun safety of Lapland Reindeer farmer families and the hiring practices of Father Christmas zealots.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

This film was chosen by two of our lovely patrons - Kate and Moin. If you want to help us decide the films we cover, head to Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod and sign up to unlock bonus episodes, early launches and more!

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Santa is going to find out who is naughty and nice!

Next time, it's Christmas party time on Boxing Day with Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, available on Disney Plus.

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How to Survive: The Menu (2022) 0

Dec 14, 2022

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It's episode 258...and please don’t say 'mouth feel.'

The Menu (2022) follows Margot on a dinner date with Tyler to the exclusive island restaurant Hawthorne. Hawthorne is a tasting menu experience designed by its reclusive and obsessive head chef Julian Slowik. The theme of Slowik's menus only make sense once you finish the final course, but it seems as though some of the diners might not make it that far.

We discuss a film serving up several courses-worth of delights, break down the key ingredients of a horror movie dinner scene, discuss the dishes we'd cook under pressure, and unravel the mysterious meanings of Slowik's dining experience as a whole.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: There are NO substitutions at Hawthorne!

Next time, it's time for a festive treat that is yet to be decided.

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How to Survive: The Feast (2021) 0

Nov 30, 2022

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It's episode 257...and after you've taken everything, what will be left?

The Feast (2021) tells the story of a Welsh family who are hosting a dinner party for their neighbours and a business associate. Catering support is provided by Cadi, a local girl, who seems weighed down by some secret and confused by the actions of the family preparing for their party. Eventually, things take a turn, and let's leave it at that.

We talk about serving food on appropriate crockery; how to time a business proposition; and the appropriate amount of time to overlook someone's inexplicable muteness.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: My parents are so full-on so intense. If I don't take something before long, I might kill them.

Next time, food season continues with The Menu.

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How to Survive: Barbarian (2022) 0

Nov 16, 2022

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It's episode 256...and do I look like some kind of monster?

Barbarian (2022) tells the story of Tess, a young woman who shows up to an AirBnB in the middle of the night to find it already occupied. Thanks to a double-booking she and her unexpected roommate, Keith are forced to spend the night together. Is Keith all he seems? That's not the half of it.

We talk about familiar notes played perfectly; the benefits of listening to the experts; and the best ways to convince the police to take an interest in helping you.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Why is it always the girls who get their hearts ripped out in these things?

We're back in two weeks with Welsh language horror, 'The Feast'.

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

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How to Survive: We're All Going To The World's Fair (2022) 0

Nov 2, 2022

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more.

It's episode 254...and today I'm going to be taking the World's Fair challenge.

We're All Going to the World's Fair (2022) tells the story of Casey, a lonely young woman who finds companionship and purpose though taking part in a strange online role playing game called The World's Fair Challenge. As she updates the world on the physical and psychological changes she feels since taking the challenge, she forms an unusual and co-dependent connection with another individual who may have nefarious motives.

We talk about one of the most unique films we've ever covered, share our experiences with the dark corners of the internet, unpack the film's various allegories and deeper meanings and also dish out advice on how to create the most addictive and compulsive online video platform without care for your viewers.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: someday soon, I am just gonna disappear, and you won't have any idea what happened to me.

We're back in two weeks with 'American Southern Gothic psychological horror drama film' What Josiah Saw (available on Shudder in the UK).

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How to Survive: Halloween Ends (2022) 0

Oct 31, 2022

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It's episode 255...and here I am. A survivor attempting to tell my story, and find healing.

Halloween Ends (2022) tells the story of Corey Cunningham, a babysitter who gets more than he bargained for when he accidentally kills the child in his care. Avoiding jail time, he falls in love with Allison, the granddaughter of Laurie Strode, who is now fully recovered from the trauma of the last 40 years. Don’t worry about it.

We talk about the most bewildering film sequel(s) of all time; the benefits of relocating; and hypocrisy runs rife when Joe starts handing out advice on microphone discipline.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: a psycho meets a freak show. This is a match made in heaven.

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How to Survive: Prey (2022) 0

Oct 19, 2022

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more.

It's episode 253...and I'm smarter than a beaver.

Prey (2022) tells the story of Naru, a young Commanche woman who is eager to be recognised as a great hunter. To earn the respect of her peers, she intends to hunt a creature which normally preys on humans... but it's a classic case of be careful what you wish for, as an intergalactic hunter equipped with lasers, invisibility and a bad attitude has just rolled into town.

We talk about the honour codes of intergalactic hunters; the importance of taking your chances; and the obvious benefits of silencing any gargles, coughs and clicks when you're trying to employ stealth.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: If it bleeds, we can kill it.

We're back in two weeks with 'exhilarating gaming horror mash-up' (The Guardian), We're All Going to the World's Fair, or if you don't want to wait that long, sign up to our 'That's Fine' tier on Patreon to get it a week early!

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