The wheels on the bus go round and round - and if the slow down the bomb on the bus will blow up! It's Speed!

Speed (1994) tells the story of Jack Travers - an LA Cop who messed with the wrong maniac. Now it's up to him to save a bus-load of people from certain doom. As soon as the bus goes above 50mph, the bomb is armed - but if it drops below 50, it's bye bye bus!

We talk about cinema's least consistent bad boy; how a man is able to source major technological equipment on a pension; and the difficulties of fighting to the death when you only have 9 fingers.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... You're not too bright, man, but ya got some big round hairy cajones.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This week we're covering a horror movie lover's horror movie - it's Scream 2!

Scream 2 (1997) picks up a few months after the events of Scream. Sydney is now at university, but finds herself plagued anew by a marauder in a ghost face mask. As is custom, her friends are picked off one-by-one, leading to a final showdown with the killer - but who could it be?

We talk about the difficulties of relying on a film's mythology in a murder mystery; the pros and cons of gun ownership when you're being hunted by a masked murderer; and of course, how to use horror movie knowledge to your benefit.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... This is a perfect example of life imitating art imitating life.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Wake up Sleepyheads! It's time for the remake of a Nightmare on Elm Street!

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) tells the story of A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984). Only this time, it's gorier, more unpleasant, less innovative, less exciting, it makes less sense, has uncomfortable themes, less appealing characters, worse special effects, a worse story, worse setting, worse characters and a worse ending.

So look forward to an unbiased and straight-laced review.

We talk about a disappointing change in the motives of the villain; a complete lack of appealing or interesting characters; and a frank discussion of the technical capabilities of open-source search engines.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... you're dreaming, but you don't know it. Like, even if you're awake. And then it says that after that, your brain will shut down, inducing a coma. Which is permanent sleep.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This week we're getting wet and wild with The Poseidon Adventure!

The Poseidon Adventure (1972) tells the story of a capsized super-liner travelling between New York and Athens (Greece, not Georgia). It falls to Reverend Frank Scott to help a group of misfits survive by climbing to the bottom of the ship (which is now the top...)

We talk about the likelihood of suffering a fatal heart attack shortly after revealing a world-record breaking talent; the upsetting lack of mettle shown by a maritime commander; and the logistics of a gyroscopic ship. 

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... In the water, I'm a very skinny lady.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This week we're keeping warm with The Towering Inferno!

The Towering Inferno (1974) is widely considered the greatest of the run of 70s disaster movies. It tells the story of the world's tallest skyscraper, and what would happen if a huge fire started on the 80th floor, with the creme de la creme of San Francisco 50 floors above!

We talk about improving the efficiency of a one-person chair lift; the difficulty of forgetting about 6 million gallons of water; and the ease at which a fire can be extinguished by running past it.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... It's a fire, mister, and all fires are bad!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

For Episode 24, we're back in the Wild West, holding off a tribe of cannibal Native Americans. It's Bone Tomahawk!

After three people are kidnapped from the town of Bright Hope by a tribe of cave-dwelling creeps, it falls to four men to save the day. They are the town sheriff, his hapless deputy, Jack from Lost and a man with a broken leg.

We talk about the difficulty of bridging the gap between horror and any other genres; the merits of calling for reinforcements when heading into any hostile situation; and once again, how it pays not to be a swaggering chauvinist.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one things for sure... that tea smells awful!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's Episode 23, and we're talking about the latest movie to feature Leonardo DiCaprio sleeping in a horse's carcass: The Revenant.

Hugh Glass is in dire straits. He's been attacked by indians, bears and even his colleagues, and now he's been left for dead. The only thing left to do is travel across the great American wilderness, on foot, during the harshest winter imaginable.

We talk about the importance of friendship in ensuring a safe and successful Manifest Destiny; the relative merits of hunting marine animals for profits; and we even take Ray Mears to task on his frankly dangerous advice about bears.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one things for sure... revenge is in God's hands .

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's Episode 21 of How to Survive and that can mean only one thing: It's Friday the 13th Part 3!

The film centres around a group of teenagers who head to a campsite on a lake. Once there, they are attacked and murdered by a marauding maniac. Before you say 'that sounds familiar' you should bear in mind that this movie is very different because Jason wears a new mask.

We talk about the thin but important line between making friends on the one hand, and alienating everyone around you on the other; the inherent difficulty of surviving against a killer whose only definable trait is 'he might or might not come back from the dead'; and the benefits of looking at the physical characteristics of a person before assuming they are someone you know.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one things for sure... Would you be yourself if you looked like this?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This week we're talking about a 2015 Horror/Comedy based (very loosely) on the Scandinavian legend of Krampus!

Krampus (2015) tells the story of a family who have lost their Christmas spirit. Despite the best efforts of the the youngest child, Max, to generate some festive cheer, the group are punished for forgetting the true meaning of Christmas by a shadowy demon called 'Krampus'

We talk about the difficulties of bridging horror and comedy; the benefits of remembering one simple and easily achievable survival method; and we dig into some top tips from the SAS. 

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... Weihnachten ist die beste Zeit des Jahres.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This week we're talking about the movie that made Macaulay Culkin the man he is today... it's Home Alone!

Home Alone (1990) tells the story of Kevin McCallister, an eight year old boy left alone (at home...) for the Christmas holiday. Which would probably have been fine, were it not for the marauding burglars attempting to break into his house.

We talk about why Kevin McCallister is an ideal Treadstone subject; the general incompetence of everyone over the age of 8; and of course, the dangers of standing under a blow torch for 7 unbroken seconds.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... we're gonna give you to the count of ten to download this podcast. One... Two... Ten!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This movie is also known as 'Blackfoot Trail' in some territories.

If you haven't seen it, head to howtosurviveshow.com to find a link to your own copy.

The movie is from the fringes of the horror genre, but is more than welcome in a discussion about movie survival.

Backcountry (2014) tells the story of two hikers, Jenn and Alex, who become badly lost in the Canadian Wilderness. They manage to keep their wits about them for a short time, before they have a run in with a wild black bear!

We talk about a rod-for-your-own-back approach to food preparation; the pressures of a modern man to live up to unattainable levels of masculinity; and how best to take on a black bear, based on the advice of a 'How-To' blog with questionable expertise.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... we don't know how much this will cost you, we just know how much you pay!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This week we're talking about the head, the tail, the whole damn thing... it's Jaws!

Steven Spielberg's Jaws (1975) was the first summer blockbuster - and what a blockbuster it was! Jaws tells the story of Police Chief Martin Brody, and his attempts to keep the island town of Amity safe from a marauding great-white with a taste for tourists.

We talk about the questionable business acumen displayed by a small-town mayor; the appropriateness of a seaside town hiring a Police Chief with a fear of water; and the pros and cons of giving a whole town a deadly neurological disease.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... we're gonna need a bigger boat!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's the catchiest thing to come from monkeys since 'I'm a believer': It's 28 Days Later.

Danny Boyle's 2002 classic is as influential as any 'zombie' film before or since. A massively impactful, bleak and visually astounding movie which takes you on an emotional rollercoaster from start to finish.

We talk about the survival limitations of a high population density; the difficult of catching an outbound flight from a train station; and how a taxi driver came to own police riot gear (or a riot officer came to own a taxi).

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... that's not a lion, it's a giraffe!

P.s. We know it's spelled 'Monkees'. The joke wouldn't work with the correct spelling. 

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's Episode 15 of How to Survive, and we're off to the shops! 

This week's focus is on Dawn of the Dead (1978), George A. Romero's classic zombie movie where the action goes down in an American shopping mall. The movie is perhaps more satirical than terrifying - especially by modern standards, but it still holds up as a classic movie, and a massively influential horror.

We talk about the benefits of focusing all of your waking thoughts on one thing at all times; the importance of never expressing any emotion; and the misplaced priorities of a biker gang armed with cream pies.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... we're thieves and we're bad guys... that's exactly what we are!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Episode 14 of How to Survive is out of this world! We're talking about survival tactics for Matt Damon in The Martian (2015).

The Martian tells the story of Mark Watney, a Mars astronaut who is left behind on the planet after an accident. He must spend the next few years surviving against the brutal Martian elements while his pals at NASA think of a way to get him home.

We talk about how believable each character's portrayal is, how to exploit real-world scientific phenomena to survive in the movie's fictional events, and the monumental collective cost of saving Matt Damon in all of his movies.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... Chris and Joe are steely-eyed missile men.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 13 of How to Survive, and we're giving survival advice to the most enduring British film character ever: James Bond.

In Spectre, Bond takes on someone from his past - the notorious Franz Oberhauser! In a movie which at times feels like a remake of the entire Bond saga at the same time, and never seems to be 5 minutes away from gut-churning action, the risks are high, and survival is surely difficult, but that's where we come in...

We talk about how a lack of socks can make someone seem entirely like an unhinged psychopath; how Daniel Craig may be the most British man who ever lived; and most importantly: which of us is better at predicting what will happen in a Bond film?

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... we could never forget a face like yours.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Episode 12 of How to Survive sees us talking about John Carpenter's Halloween (1978). This is our annual Halloween Special! 

The movie is absolutely iconic for its key elements - many of which have now become horror movie tropes. Certainly a product of its time, but a fantastic film to discuss - especially when considering how to survive about the original horror movie slasher: Michael Myers.

We talk about all the nonsensical actions of a criminal psychologist; what would constitute an 'appropriate' reaction to seeing a masked ghoul in your neighbour's garden; and the most important question of all: Who is teaching catatonic psychopaths how to drive?

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... butter ruins clothes!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

In the eleventh episode of How to Survive, Chris and Joe return to the Friday the 13th saga, with Friday the 13th Part II.

The film is a facsimile of the first film in terms of: characters, themes, writing, expectations. However, it is nonetheless a great film to discuss - particularly when considering how to survive.

We talk about all the equal opportunities Jason affords people of all physical abilities; Jason's missed career as an engineer; and the inherent give-and-take of safety in deliberately luring a bear to become your protector.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one things for sure... Despite what you may have heard, bears ARE dangerous.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This week, Chris and Joe are talking about Titanic (1997), and how they would survive if they found themselves aboard the doomed voyage.

Titanic is a part love-story, part disaster movie, part horror, part survival movie, part historical drama and part documentary. An emotional roller coaster which secured its place as the biggest blockbuster in history (...until Avatar came and blue it all up).

We talk about the complete lack of sensible decisions made by Rose; how smelling ice could be beneficial; the relative merits of steering INTO the iceberg; and how to make use of a genetic telepathic link to the ship itself.

All of which leads to the ultimate question: 

How would you survive?

As ever, send your suggestions to howtosurviveshow@gmail.com, visit howtosurviveshow.com, and promise us you'll never let go!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This week, Chris and Joe are talking about Everest (2015). The high-action retelling of the '1996 Mount Everest Disaster'.

In a break from usual form, this episode was deemed inappropriate for analysis of 'how to survive'. The film tells the story of real people who were qualified professionals in climbing. It would be an insult to their expertise - and their memories if we (non-climbing experts) pointed out where they went wrong.

Instead, we discuss the merits of one of the year's most exciting and enthralling action movies; the accuracy of the portrayals of each character, and how this film compares with other disaster-survival movies of its kind.

For once, avoiding the question:

How would you surivive?

As ever, send your talking points to howtosurviveshow@gmail.com - and visit www.howtosurviveshow.com for more.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This week, Chris and Joe are talking about The Hills Have Eyes (1977), and how they would survive if they found themselves lost in the desert, hunted by a family of mutant cannibals! 

In memorial of master of modern horror, Wes Craven, we're digging into one of his most famous movies - and tearing it to shreds. 

The Hills Have Eyes is shocker-horror at its finest (and simultaneously at its worst). Featuring gender politics that would make Michael Bay blush; an exploitative use of a genetic disorder in casting; and a plot which inexplicably treads a fine line between shocking and boring.

We talk about the relative merits of being a man in this movie's universe; the living contradiction of a life-long police officer who appears to have no experience in confrontation; and the inherent dangers of sprinting into blinding darkness in unknown terrain...

All of which leads to the ultimate question: 

How would you survive?

As ever, send your suggestions to howtosurviveshow@gmail.com, and remember - we recommend that until we can get to you, you stand on your heads... with your thumbs up!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This week, Chris and Joe are talking about A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), and how they would survive if they found their dreams invaded by the demonic child murderer, Freddy Krueger!

In memorial of master of modern horror, Wes Craven, we're digging into the movie which is undoubtedly his most lasting legacy - and tearing it to shreds. 

A Nightmare on Elm Street is one of the classics of modern horror. Bringing us one of the most iconic pop cultural figures of the 80's, kickstarting Johnny Depp's career, and taking special-effects-based horror to a new level.

We talk about the dismal acting dished out by Johnny Depp; the complete lack of responsibility and suitability shown by everyone from police and morticians, to parents and 'dream doctors'; and just what parts of the film turned out to be a dream anyway...

All of which leads to the ultimate question: 

How would you survive?

As ever, send your suggestions to howtosurviveshow@gmail.com, and remember - it's just a dream.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This week, Chris and Joe are talking about The Loved Ones (2009), and how they would survive if they were strapped to a chair and tortured with power tools!

Don't be mistaken - The Loved Ones isn't full on torture-porn (though it does stray into that territory). This is a story of shocks, survival, and unsettling surprises. If you haven't seen the film, watch it now. It's a hysterical thriller which doesn't let up.

We talk about Lola, one of the hidden gems of modern horror; myriad escape opportunities completely missed; a policeman more Inspector Clouseau than Jason Bourne; and one of the most difficult situations one might ever need to escape from.

All of which leads to the ultimate question: 

How would you survive?

As ever, send your suggestions to howtosurviveshow@gmail.com - and remember - you are pretty enough.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This week, Chris and Joe are taking on an obsessive fan - it's 1990's classic horror, Misery!

Misery is adapted from a Stephen King novel of the same name, and tells the story of Paul Sheldon (James Caan), a writer who is kidnapped by his number one fan - Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates in an Oscar winning performance). As this thriller progresses, the question turns from survival to escape, making it a natural choice for us to discuss. 

We talk about one of the finest vocabularies of any movie character in history; the lack of initiative shown by a small-town sheriff with ideas above his station; and the fine line between being a likable person and inviting your own gruesome murder. 

All of which leads to the ultimate question: 

How would you survive?

As ever, send your suggestions to howtosurviveshow@gmail.com, and remember - the penguin faces due South.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.