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How to Survive

'How to Survive' is a film review podcast with a twist. The discussion centres around one key question: 'How would you survive in this movie?' Each episode centres around one classic movie. Often, they are horror movies, but there are also lots of thrillers, action movies, adventure movies and the occasional romantic drama for good measure. If you've ever rolled your eyes when the victim goes outside alone; tutted when the killer returns from the dead; or shouted 'DON'T GO IN THERE!', this is the podcast for you. If you have ideas on How to Survive, or recommendations for films we should consider, send them over to: HowToSurviveShow@Gmail.com
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Now displaying: Page 1
Dec 26, 2021

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's Christmas, and our second 2021 Christmas Special.

Home Sweet Home Alone (2021) tells the story of Pam and Jeff who find an heirloom worth thousands. They believe that it has been stolen by local kid Max Mercer and set out to recover it by any means necessary. By coincidence, Max's parents have accidentally left him home alone and travelled to Japan - so he'll have to fend off Pam and Jeff by making booby traps out of household products.

We discuss burns, scrapes, stabs, cuts, and bludgeonings. We talk about fire safety; common-sense PR moves; and the power of a normal human conversation.

All of which leads to one important question: how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Uh, this is garbage. I don't know why they are always trying to remake the classics. Never as good as the originals.

Next time: We're on a break for a while. Stay tuned for further updates and see you in 2022! x

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

Dec 24, 2021

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It's Christmas! And the first of our 2021 Christmas specials.

Better Watch Out (2016) tells the story of Ashley, a babysitter and her charge, Luke. In the run-up to Christmas, Luke wants to try to seduce Ashley, but before he can make his move, a home invasion makes an already uncomfortable situation much less comfortable. 

We talk about the importance of trigger safety; the merits of a 'less is more' approach to seduction; and we ask how much of a Christmas movie this really is.

All of which leads to one important question: how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: She's like twice your age. I really don't think it's gonna happen.

Next time, Christmas continues apace.

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

Dec 22, 2021

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It's episode 250...and she's still here.

Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin (2021) is the latest installment in the beloved horror franchise, and marks the first time we've watched a brand-new entry of any of our favoured franchises since we started the podcast! Margot reconnects with her estranged family who belong to an isolated Amish community, but not everything is as it seems. However, in a stroke of good fortune, Margot has brought along a documentary crew to capture crystal clear 4K footage of all the things that go bump in the night. 

We revisit a modern horror staple, discuss the rights and wrongs of activities paranormal and otherwise, ask if a found footage film as ever looked less 'found' than this and ponder whether you should reconsider telling a cult member that you've uncovered some creepy cult member business going on.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I know every Amish family within a fifty mile area and they ain't Amish.

Next time, it's Chriiiiisssstmaaaaaaaaaas.

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Dec 15, 2021

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It's episode 249...I thought we could help him, but I was wrong. It's time we cut out the cancer.

Malignant (2021) marks James Wan's glitzy return to the horror genre with what feels like a run through the greatest hits of his filmography. We've got abductions, nightmares, haunted houses, but how well does it all hang together?

We discuss a film of two halves, the strangest martial arts movie ever made, consider health and safety tips for constructing torture dungeons, and Chris tests Joe on his single-nasty-word-horror-movie-title knowledge with his single-nasty-word-horror-movie-title quiz. All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Some of the conversations you had with Gabriel just chilled us to the bone.

Next time, it's a treat for our 250th episode: Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin (2021).

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Nov 26, 2021

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It's episode 248...and I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave.

Face/Off (1997) tells the story of FBI agent Sean Archer, tasked with apprehending the world's most-wanted terrorist-for-hire  Castor Troy. With time running out before a dirty bomb hits LA, Sean takes drastic action - impersonating a comatose Castor by stealing his face via a surgical face transplant. But things go from bad to worse when Castor wakes up and begins impersonating Sean in turn. Disaster!

We discuss John Woo, ask how sensible a mid-surgery haircut would be, ask if you're really getting the best out of two actors by asking them to play each other, and ask ourselves is this the stupidest Hollywood blockbuster ever made? All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I could eat a peach for hours.

Next time, we check out James Wan's 2021 horror smash Malignant.

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Nov 17, 2021

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It's episode 247...and we're gonna get killed by Murder Barbie. 

Freaky (2021) tells the story of Millie, a high school student who swaps bodies with a middle-aged male serial killer known as The Blissfield Butcher. Millie has until midnight on Friday the 13th to swap their bodies back - and to prevent The Butcher from running amock in her body.

We compliment a quick-thinking mass murderer; consider gun safety in a Middle American town and ponder the benefits of the hitting the open road. 

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: we're not here to clam jam.

Next time, 'Body Swap' season continues apace with Face/Off (1997).

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Nov 3, 2021

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It's episode 246...and evil dies tonight.

Halloween Kills (2021), starring Jamie Lee Curtis as Laurie Strode, is (depending on your outlook) either the 12th or 3rd film in the beloved Halloween franchise, and a direct sequel to Halloween (2018), starring Jamie Lee Curtis as Laurie Strode, which itself was a direct sequel to Halloween (1978), starring Jamie Lee Curtis as Laurie Strode. If that sounds confusing then don't worry, because the good news is that Halloween Kills is so rubbish that you'll quickly stop caring at all!

We ask what went wrong, why any self-respecting modern-day slasher would draw inspiration from the very worst of the Friday the 13th films, whether 'First, do no harm' is followed by 'Second, evil dies tonight' and debate the merits of leaving a bloodied machete in the bed of a sleeping grandmother.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: People are afraid. That is the true curse of Michael.

Next time, we're swapping lives in celebration of 'Body Swap' season, starting with Freaky (2020)

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Oct 27, 2021

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It's episode 245...and there's good man inside of you fighting to come out.

The Mummy (2017) tells the story of Nick Morton, a tomb-raiding soldier serving in Iraq. Morton accidentally becomes cursed with ancient Egyptian magic, embroiled in a shady organisation's fight against evil, and must do what it takes to prevent the Egyptian Princess Ahmanet (who has been dead for 5,000 years) from running amok.

We ask ourselves: what went wrong with this film? How much Tom Cruise is too much Tom Cruise? And look forward to a lively discussion about the transportation of rare metal in the ancient world.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: That was safely hidden for 5,000 years before you dropped a Hellfire missile on it.

Next time, it's the spookiest time of the year, so look out for Halloween Kills (2021).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

Oct 20, 2021

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It's episode 244...and I only gamble with my life, never my money.

The Mummy (1999) tells the story of the treasure-hunting trio of Rick, Evelyn and Jonathan, who head to the Ancient Egyptian city of Hamunatpra in the hope of unearthing riches. Instead, they awaken the cursed tomb of Imhotep, who rises from the dead and brings with him the Ten Plagues of Egypt.

We crack open a 90s adventure classic, read aloud from the book of Evelyn, look upon Brendan Fraser's works and delight and, for the second film running, question why a man returned from the living dead with supernatural powers needs slaves at all.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: When Ramses destroyed Syria, that was an accident. You are a catastrophe!

Next time, it's the final part of our triple-bill of Mummies, as we finally step into the Dark Universe with The Mummy (2017).

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Sep 24, 2021

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It's episode 243...and do you have to open graves to find girls to fall in love with?

The Mummy (1932) tells the story of Imhotep, an ancient Egyptian high priest condemned to eternal undeath for religious sacrilege, resurrected by intrepid archaeologists. Once alive, Imhotep seeks out the object of his everlasting love Anck-su-namun, who he believes is reincarnated in the form of half-Egyptian, half-British socialite Helen Grosvenor. Can a crack team of old men and lovelorn simps stop Imhotep from laying claim to Helen's soul?

We dig up and inspect the most ancient film we've ever covered, blow the dust from Boris Karloff's incredible face, offer marriage advice for1930s women and Joe ponders how best to spread the good word of the ancient Egyptian Gods. 

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: He went for a little walk! You should have seen his face!

Next time, it's the second of our triple-bill of Mummies, as we revisit the adventure classic The Mummy (1999).

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Aug 12, 2021

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It's episode 242...and it could be another Jigsaw copycat.

Spiral: From the Book of Saw (2021) tells the story of Ezekial 'Zeke' Banks, a hard-boiled detective in an unnamed city, hunting down a mysterious serial killer of corrupt Police officers in a manner not unlike everyone's favourite DIY enthusiast John Kramer, aka The Jigsaw Killer.

We wonder if the Chris Rock-ification of the Saw franchise was something anybody needed and where we go from here, discuss a surprisingly gore-lite torture porn film, question the timing of a 'Cops as victims' plot in 2021 and ask why our mysterious killer would bother with the traps in the first place instead of, say, using a gun.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: John Kramer Was Right. The Spiral: A Symbol Of Change, Evolution, Progress.

Next time, it's the first of a triple-bill of Mummies, starting with Karl Freund's The Mummy (1932).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

Jul 21, 2021

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It's episode 241... so get over here!

Mortal Kombat (2021) tells the story of 'Cole Young', a failed MMA fighter who has a strange birthmark. The birthmark automatically means he is a champion of earth, and must defend Earth Realm in the last of ten consecutive martial arts tournaments against 'Outworld' - but not if the Outworld team and its fearsome assassins have anything to say about it!

We talk about the tournament that never was; the benefits of an assassin picking the best moment. means and moniker; and question some interdimensional treaty-writing decisions.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: The fate of Earth is in OUR hands.

Next time, we're caught in a trap: It's Spiral: from the Book of Saw (2021).

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Jul 9, 2021

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It's episode 240...and there's nothing left.

A Quiet Place Part II (2021) continues the story started in John Krasinski's A Quiet Place, as Evelyn and her children struggle for survival in a world where a single errant noise could mean a violent death. The family meet Emmett, a fellow survivor, but he isn't convinced that what's left of the world is worth saving.

We wonder if this is one of the best horror sequels of all time, discuss swamp people and the value of socks, ponder which noises would make our heads flap open, and talk about our about our experiences making our long-awaited return to the cinema.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: the people that are left, they're not the kind of people worth saving.

Next time it's a fight to the death in Simon McQuoid's Mortal Kombat (2021).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

Jun 10, 2021
It's episode 239...and would you look at that?
 
Greenland (2020) tells the story of John Garrity, who gathers with his estranged wife and son to watch as the Clarke comet flies past Earth. Turns out the boffins back at NASA got their calculations a bit wrong and it doesn't so much fly past Earth as smash straight into it. Can the Garritys make it to emergency shelter in the titular Greenland before it's too late?
 
We discuss perhaps the most stressful diaster movie journey of all time, ponder the ideal locations for United States emergency shelters, wonder aloud about the usefulness of a structural engineer after the world has ended and ultimately ask whether you should even bother? All that plus the ultimate Tom Cruise Dad quiz.
 
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
 
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: My friend Teddy says your life flashes in front of your eyes when you die. I think it would be better if it did that while you lived. That way, you could see all the good memories and be happy.
 
Next time we're keeping as silent as possible for A Quiet Place Part II (2021)
 
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May 24, 2021

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 238...and these are dangerous times.

Godzilla vs. Kong (2021) tells the story of...well you can probably guess. There's about 40 minutes of story and 40 minutes of fighting and somehow the film is still 2 hours long. Make of that what you will.

It's time for titans, punch-ups on battleships, Hollow Earth (theory and practice), anti-gravity helicopters and building-sized ancient axes. What more could you ask for? A hastily put together quiz? You got it!

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: there can't be two alpha Titans.

Next time - it's Gerard Butler vs the apocalypse in Greenland (2021).

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Mar 21, 2021

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It's episode 236...and I can't shake the feeling that you must have saved me for something greater than this.

Saint Maud (2020) follows Maud, a palliative nurse and evangelical Roman Catholic who believes its her Godly duty to save the soul of her athiest patient Amanda. However, as her behaviour begins to spiral out of control, we learn more about Maud's troubled past and her grandiose ideas for how to achieve Sainthood. 

We break down one of the most assured horror movie debuts for many years, question the extent to which the film is about religion at all, and answer all the burning questions about the film's dramatic conclusion. 

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I hope you will reveal your plan for me soon.

Next time - it's time for some good, clean fun with Possessor (Brandon Cronenburg, 2020).

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Feb 24, 2021

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It's episode 235 (despite what we might say in the intro)...and he calls out to the ones who need him -- the damaged ones.

Brahms: The Boy II (2020), unfortunately, continues and expands upon the wondeful story of Brahms, the doll first seen in The Boy (2016). Following a traumatic event, a family moves to the grounds of the mysterious Heelshire Estate in the hopes of a relaxing break. Little do they know what bland, frustrating and confusing events that will befall them.

We discuss dolls, a creepy groundskeeper who could probably throw a kettle over a pub, advise proper croquet mallet target acquisition and pick apart one of the most baffling twists in all the films we've ever watched. All that plus Joe's 'Boys in movies' quiz. 

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: sometimes it's fun to be scared.

Next time - we're watching the uplifting, hilarious Saint Maud (2020).

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Feb 17, 2021

*Apologies for the delay to this episode. We really did intend to kick off 2021 with a more rigorous schedule but unfortunately, as has been the case for many this last year, some less-than-ideal life events got in the way. Furthermore, neither of us were in the best circumstances when we recorded this, which may well be reflected in energy levels (or lack thereof) in the podcast. We'll be back and more bushy-tailed very soon.*

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 234...and we have both seen the same inhuman spirit.

The Nun (2018) expands the incredibly detailed and worthwhile Conjuring meta-Universe to tell the origin story of Valak, the nefarious demonic Nun from The Conjuring 2 (2016), a film which neither of Chris or Joe have seen. 

We discuss Conjurings, convents, the Nun-based horror we wish this was, and ponder how much fatal exorcising can you let your main character get away with before he gets his come-uppance? The answer, it turns out, is plenty. Plus, stay tuned for Chris' diabolically terrible Nun Pun quiz.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I think being here is a mistake.

Next time - we're going back to the infamous Heelshire Estate for Brahms: The Boy II (2020)

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Dec 25, 2020

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It's Christmas!...and you want the moon? Just say the word, and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down.

It's a Wonderful Life (1946) is perhaps the definitive uplifting Christmas film, and so what better way to sign off a universally terrible year than by listening to two smug pricks picking it to pieces?

Downtrodden and destitute, George Bailey contemplates suicide. As his guardian angel learns about George, we see the highs and lows of a life full of the ordinary ups and downs, pains and joys the world can foist upon you, and learn that however bad things seem, cheer, love and support can be found in your loved ones, your community, and your hope for a brigher future. Unless you're Mr Potter.

Join us as we get painfully earnest at the end of an awful year, hail the gold standard of classical filmmaking, share our heartbreak for cinema's most honest and beloved protagonist and hope that wherever you are, whoever you are, this podcast finds you healthy and happy, with better days ahead.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You see George, you've really had a wonderful life. Don't you see what a mistake it would be to just throw it away?

Next time it's back to our regularly scheduled programming with The Nun (2018).

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Dec 22, 2020

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It's episode 233...and don’t take it personally. They’re just trying to figure out if you’re a gold-digging whore.

Ready or Not (2019) tells the story of newly-married Grace, who wants to make a good impression on her new husband Daniel's relatives - the mysterious Le Domas family, owners of the Le Domas boardgaming Monopoly. As is only fitting, before the happy couple start their Life together, they have a traditional family game with the newlyweds on their wedding night, but this game is less Ticket to Ride and more Ticket to Die. Can Grace Scrabble around and survive the night, or will she end up another victim of the Le Domas' arcane Operation?

We cut into a slice of (sort of) wedding-themed horror, family traditions and the adherance thereof, cults, Colts, 100-second counts, and whether one should ever make a deal with the devil. Plus, stick around at the end for Joe's attempts to return to Return to Castle Wolfenstein.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: She’ll never be one of us.

Next time - we did it to ourselves. It's The Nun (2018).

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Dec 10, 2020

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It's episode 232...and should pale death, with treble dread, make the ocean caves our bed, God who hears the surges roll, deign to save the suppliant soul.

The Lighthouse (2019) tells the absolutely fine and normal story of Thomas's Wake and Howard, two wickies with the task of operating a remote lighthouse for a month off the coast of 19th Century New England. But can they keep their fragile friendship intact, or will the isolation take its toll? Also featuring mermaids and tentacles.

We discuss what we think actually happens in Robert Eggers' The Witch follow-up, the dangers of cabin fever, eldritch horrors and marxism, but mainly the extremely subtle and subtextual homoerotic tension of two grown men living and constantly wanking inside a big dick.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You're gonna spill your beans.

Next time, it's the best day of our lives as we watch Ready or Not (2019).

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Nov 23, 2020

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It's time for a bonus episode...and I'm Mrs. Voorhees, an old friend of the Christys'!

We turned 5 years old back in August and marked it by...doing absolutely nothing! So here we are, 3 months later, revisiting the film that started it all - Friday the 13th (1980).

If you didn't know, Friday the 13th tells the story of Camp Crystal Lake, and a group of teenagers who arive to help renovate the camp ahead of its grand re-opening, 30 years after a brutal double murder. What could go wrong?

We revisit a classic and ask ourselves, fresh from watching 250 other horror movies, is it any good, does it deserve its reputation (good and bad), and have the intervening years given us any new insights? 

All of which leads to one important question: why aren't we cracking on with the films we're supposed to be watching?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Guess I always wanted to work with children. I hate when people call them kids. Sounds like little goats. But when you've had a dream as long as I have, you'll do anything.

Back next time with our previously scheduled programming with Robert Eggers The Lighthouse (2020).

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Nov 7, 2020
How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
 
It's episode 231...and "There are no approved quotes yet for this movie" - Rotten Tomatoes
 
Host (2020) tells the story of a group of friends who hold a seance over Zoom during the 2020 COVID-19 lockdown. Before long (no really, the movie is only an hour long), a bad spirit is summoned and some video-conferencing-based-haunting ensues.
 
We discuss how restrictions can encourage creativity when it comes to horror; the importance of respecting the experts (particularly when there are dangerous spirits around); and pay tribute to that most overlooked of survival tips: turning on the lights.
 
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
 
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: the movie is truly only an hour long. So good. We should watch it every week.
 
Next time, we're hunkering down for The Lighthouse (2019).
 
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Oct 15, 2020
How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
 
It's episode 230...and there is a dead man at the end of this line.
 
Heat (1995) tells the doomed story of star-crossed lovers Neil McCauley and Detective Vincent Hanna, two kindred spirits torn asunder by their respective loves of doing crimes and stopping people what do crimes. Set on the seedy, steamy streets of 90s Los Angeles, can the two overcome their differences and finally be together, or will it all end in an avoidable tragedy behind an electrical substation on the tarmac at LAX?
 
We watch possibly the greatest acting double-header of all time, discuss why it's unwise to watch the loudest gunfight in movie history with a sleeping infant upstairs, and question whether a movie criminal who is famous for his guiding principles is actually a weak-willed hypocrite.
 
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
 
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: She's got a...GREAT ASS!
 
Next time we're checking out 2020's Zoom-set remote horror hit Host
 
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Sep 28, 2020
How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod
 
It's episode 229...and What did he say? Badda-beep, badda-bap, badda-boop, badda-beep.
 
It's The Godfather (1972). Michael Corleone is back from the war, and looking for love - but when his father is injured in a work-related incident, it falls to Michael to step in and whip the family business into shape. 
 
We set aside all vendettas to hand out marriage advice for the masses; top tips for managing an unarmoured toll-booth; and advising anyone who will listen to take advantage of the opportunities life gives them.
 
All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?
 
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I made my bones when you were going out with cheerleaders!
 
'Movies We Haven't Seen / Crime Drama / 3-Hour Long / Al Pacino / Good Film Season' continues next week with Heat (1995).
 
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