It's episode 103... and you're one ugly motherf**ker..
Predator (1987) tells the story of Major Allan 'Dutch' Schaefer, a mercenary who takes on the job of rescuing a kidnapped diplomat in the Venezuelan jungle. Along with his team, they soon realise they've been double-crossed by Dutch's old friend, CIA operative, 'Dillon'. The two are soon at each other's throats, and then an alien shows up and starts killing everyone.
We discuss the ethics of intergalactic game hunting; the benefits of a tight-lipped approach to stealth; and of course, the safest way to store explosives when you're in an eighties action movie.
All of which leads to one question...
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
If it bleeds, we can kill it...
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world
It's episode 102... and you can't trust anyone but family...
It Comes at Night (2017) tells the story of Paul and his family, who have survived a plague and now live in a house in the woods, desperate to stay protected from disease and would-be attackers. Their volatile existence is threatened when a man breaks in. And that's about as much as we can say without spoiling it...
We discuss the finer points of interior design; the importance of maintaining a positive attitude to health and safety, even during a crisis; and a cost-benefit analysis of killing everyone you come into contact with on sight.
All of which leads to one question...
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
We never go out at night. Got it?
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world
It's episode 101...and that goalie was pissed about something..
Freddy vs. Jason (2003) tells the story of Freddy Krueger, an evil phantom who haunts teenagers and kills them in their dreams. With his power weakening, he enlists the help of Jason Voorhees, the Camp Crystal Lake killer. Why? Because they needed to be crowbarred together somehow.
We discuss the benefits of keeping your mouth shut when you're on the run; the economics of drugging an entire town of people; and the importance on establishing a solid rationale for a project, before awakening an unstoppable wraith who loves killing teenagers.
All of which leads to one question...
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
You're not even scary. And let's talk about the butter knives. What is with the butter knives? You trying to compensate for something? Maybe coming up a little short there between the legs?
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world
It's episode 100!!!!! ...and things are going bump in the night...
Paranormal Activity (2009) tells the story of Micah and Rachel, a young couple whose lives are turned upside down when they are haunted by a demon. We see their lives unravel through videotapes made by the couple during their gradual demise, in the most carefully edited and dramatised 'found footage' movie yet.
We discuss the benefits of trusting the experts; the merits of leaving your house the instant you know beyond any reasonable doubt that it's haunted; and the best idea of all: throw a massive house party.
All of which leads to one question...
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
Basically, they're these malevolent evil spirits that only exist to make podcasts for their own amusement. It's pretty creepy- I mean, they've been doing this for years, like decades, and sometimes they're really intelligent in the way they do things to freak you out.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 99... and we all go a little mad sometimes....
Psycho (1960) tells the story of Marion Crane; a young woman who steals a large sum of money from her employer and runs away to meet up with her secret lover. On the way to meet him, she stops for the night at the Bates Motel, and surely nothing can go wrong there...
We discuss the importance of always having diagnostic criteria ready to go; the benefits of a good alibi; and the old age practice of locking the door while you're in the bathroom.
All of which leads to one question...
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
A boy's best friend is his mother!
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 98... and I'm drawing a line in the f**king sand here. Do not read the Latin!
The Cabin in the Woods (2011) tells the story of a group of teenage friends who decide to spend the weekend at a remote cabin in some remote woods. Once they arrive at the cabin, bad things start to happen. But everything is not as it seems...
We have our first Quick-Fire Survival Round; we discuss the benefits of using the 'surviving ally' horror trope to your benefit; and the benefits of using the 'surviving enemy' horror trope to your benefit.
All of which leads to one question...
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
Statistical fact: Cops will never pull over a man with a huge bong in his car. Why? They fear this man. They know he sees further than they and he will bind them with ancient logics.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 97... and another mist opportunity...
The Mist (2007) tells the story of David, a family man whose world is turned upside down when he and his son (and a bunch of townsfolk) are forced to shelter in a supermarket when a thick mist descends on their town. This is no straightforward weather problem, as hidden within the mist are all manner of violent and disgusting monsters - and they seem intent on killing everyone in the supermarket.
We discuss how the importance of quickly killing everyone in your family weighed against the merits of not killing anyone in your family; the most effective way to convert someone away from dogmatic religion; and the benefits of keeping your mouth shut when confronted with an angry mob.
All of which leads to one question...
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
As a species we're fundamentally insane. Put more than two of us in a room, we pick sides and start dreaming up reasons to kill one another. Why do you think we invented politics and religion?
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 96... and we're all in a spin...
Twister (1996) tells the story of Jo and Bill, an estranged husband and wife who share a love of chasing tornadoes in the name of scientific research. Brought back together, they seek to use Bill's invention to record what happens INSIDE a tornado - but in order to do that, they have to get dangerously close to the monstrous cyclone...
We discuss how intellectual property laws can save lives when chasing deadly weather; we offer a quick word on the benefits of resource preparation; and a reminder to always keep food in the house in case of unexpected guests.
All of which leads to one question...
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
That's no moon. It's a space station!
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 95... and It hasn't got a name. It's a new system. I wanted us all to discover it! No one's ever been down here before.
The Descent (2005) tells the story of a group of women who travel deep into an underground cave system in the name of adventure. As is the way with horror movies, they become trapped, and soon begin to realise that they might not be alone...
We wonder at length why anyone would want to go into a narrow cave; we bring advice to the caving world from the world of water activities; and we continue to wonder at length why anyone would want to go into a narrow cave.
All of which leads to one question...
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
[Sarah is trapped in a tunnel and Beth is trying to calm her down with a joke]
Hey, you love this one, "How do you give a lemon an orgasm?" You tickle its citrus!
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 94... and the future's not set. There's no fate but what we make for ourselves...
Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991) tells the story of John Connor, the son of Sarah Connor. John is the fresh target of Skynet's time-travelling Terminator unit, but help comes from an unexpected source.
We talk about the benefits of simply ignoring the effects of your sedatives; the thin line between being too insane for prison, but just sane enough for a mental asylum; and the benefits of 'Divide and Conquer' (particularly when fighting against a single enemy).
All of which leads to one question...
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
I know now why you cry. But it's something I can never do.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 93... and look on my works ye might, and despair...
Alien: Covenant (2017) tells the story of a group of space colonists travelling from earth to their new planet. On the way, their ship becomes damaged. Receiving a distorted signal from a nearby Earth-like planet, they decide to investigate, but they soon get more than they bargained for...
We talk about the benefits of wearing helmet, space suit and breathing apparatus during space exploration; the merits of having crew members who don't need to wear helmets, space suits and breathing apparatus during space exploration; and we make a strong case for using any type of interrogation to verify someone's identity.
All of which leads to one question...
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
Nobody understands the lonely perfection of my dreams...
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 92... and we just made the international sign of the donut...
Mars Attacks (1996) tells the story of an ensemble cast of politicians, soldiers, scientists, tv hosts and donut shop workers, as they fight back against attackers... from Mars!
We talk about how lucky we are to live in a world where Slim Whitman's hit 'Indian Love Call' can be played with three seconds notice; how the best defence is a good offence; and how easily the scientific method can be forgotten in place of positivity.
All of which leads to one question...
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
All green of skin... 800 centuries ago, their bodily fluids include the birth of half-breeds. For the fundamental truth self-determination of the cosmos, for dark is the suede that mows like a harvest.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 91... and statistical probability of survival just went up to fifty-three per cent.
Jason X (2001) tells the story of Jason Voorhees, the undead, unkillable monster who kills teenagers near a lake. Except now they've taken him away from the lake and put him on a spaceship. So now he's killing teenagers in space.
No, really...
We talk about the benefits of a well-lit combat environment; the importance of remembering your magical abilities of possession in combat situations; and the strangest but most effective robot upgrades on the market.
All of which leads to one question...
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
You're lucky you weren't alive during the Microsoft conflict. Hell, we were beating each other with our own severed limbs.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 90... and why did it have to be snakes?
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) tells the story of Indiana Jones, a world-renowned archaeologist, who spends his free time raiding tombs hunting for lost treasure. Jones is happy with his lot in life, until two spies from the US Intelligence Service inform him that the Nazis have begun searching for the mysterious 'Ark of the Covenant', which is said to make any army who holds it immortal.
Now Jones is in a race against time (and the Nazis) to find the ark, get the girl and save the world!
We talk about the the virtue of knowing when to say 'no' to dangerous missions, the importance of back-up on dangerous missions, and for the first time ever: A Choose Your Own Survival in glorious surround-sound.
All of which leads to one question...
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
You and I are very much alike. Movie Survival is our religion, yet we have both fallen from the pure faith. Our methods have not differed as much as you pretend. I am but a shadowy reflection of you. It would take only a nudge to make you like me. To push you out of the light.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 89... and my name is The How to Survive Podcast. The purpose of today's experiment is to prove the object behind me is responsible for at least 45 deaths in the 4 centuries of it's recorded existence.
Oculus (2013) tells the story of Kaylie and Tim Russell. A decade ago, their parents were killed in mysterious circumstances, and Tim was blamed. Now, years on, they are reunited and set out to get their revenge on the real culprit: a haunted mirror!
We talk about the benefits of blaming any criminal activity on temporary mental illness; the advantages of knowing when to let go; and how technology can be used to plan the destruction of haunted furnishings.
All of which leads to one big question:
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
I've met my demons and they are many. I've seen the devil, and he is me.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 88... and I miss my f*cking dog. Goodnight.
Life (2017) tells the story of the crew of the International Space Station. After successfully intercepting a soil sample, sent from Mars, the team begin analysing a dormant single-cell lifeform. Before long, the cell has come to life, and before much longer the single cell has evolved into something much more deadly...
We talk about the appropriate risk analysis when you're an astronaut aboard the ISS; the importance of clear and comprehensive communication aboard the ISS; and the benefits of kindness towards all things aboard the ISS.
All of which leads to one big question:
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
Goodnight Air.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 87... and the guns are out...
Free Fire (2017) tells the story of an arms deal gone wrong. On one side, a group of IRA terrorists, on the other, a swindling South African and his associates. After some bad blood between the group re-emerges, it's not long before both sides are locked into an all-out gunfight - as each individual battles to make it out alive.
We talk about the appropriate clothing to wear to a gunfight; the benefits of streamlining your deceit; and the difficulties of keeping count when under heavy stress.
All of which leads to one big question:
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
Cardboard armour is protection from infection.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 86... and a the worst sequel to Meet the Parents yet...
Get Out (2017) tells the story of Chris, a young black man who is visiting his white girlfriend's parents for the first time. Once at their secluded home, Chris passes off their overly accomodating behaviour as awkward friendliness, but as the visit wears on, he begins to realise everything is not as it seems.
We talk about the importance of calling out racism wherever you see it; the difficulties of taking photographs using only natural light; and just how essential it is not to be hypnotised when someone is obviously hypnotising you.
All of which leads to one big question:
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
I would have voted for Obama for a third term.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 85... and let me list all the ways you're gonna die: rain, heat, disease-carrying flies, and we haven't started on the things that want to eat you alive.
Kong: Skull Island (2017) tells the story of a group of scientists and soldiers who travel to the newly discovered Skull Island in the name of scientific exploration. The Vietnam War has just ended, but no war could prepare them for what they face there: a really big gorilla!
We talk about a How to Survive staple: always listen to the experts; we discuss the risks of falling victim to the sunk cost fallacy; and we weigh up the appropriate responses to the crimes of animals.
All of which leads to one big question:
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
Remember the tale of Icarus, whose father gave him wax wings to fly. But he flew too close to the sun, and his wings melted, and he fell into the sea. But our wings are not made of wax, but Pennsylvania steel, guaranteed not to melt.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 84... and we have ten minutes until the ectoplasmic sh*t hits the fan.
Thir13en Ghosts (2001) tells the story of Arthur, a widower who moves himself, his children and their nanny into a haunted house left to them in a wealthy uncle's will. Before long, the family is trapped in the house, and have to fight against the other residents: twelve ghosts who have been captured and locked in the basement.
We talk about the benefits of coating your clothing in protective spells; the importance of not laboriously explaining your evil plan to your victim before it can take place; and the risks involved in showing up in public after you've faked your death.
All of which leads to one big question:
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
If you hadn't noticed, I'M A LITTLE BIT OF A FREAK! I come within ten feet of anything dead I go into seizures. I touch somebody, and a whole life full of shit flashes in front of my eyes! Alright? So yeah, I'm depraved. But Cyrus was my friend and he accepted me, so...
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 83... and there's something strange in the neighbourhood...
Ghostbusters (1984) tells the story of three parapsychologist researchers who lose their jobs and decide to open a ghost hunting service. Calling themselves the Ghostbusters, they set out to rid New York City of paranormal threats, but before long find themselves in a battle to save humanity from an invading demigod.
We talk about the importance of establishing a sustainable strategy for acquiring start-up capital; the very real risks of carrying out an activity which could lead to all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light. And we also dig into the 2016 remake of the movie to compare and contrast.
All of which leads to one big question:
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
As a duly designated representative of the City, County and State of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 82... and I'm so glad you're here. We have a lot to talk about. So much to say tonight.
The Invitation (2015) tells the story of Will, a man who is invited to a dinner party at the home of his estranged ex-wife. Also in attendance are all of Will's closest friends, (also estranged). As the night wears on, the mood shifts from awkward to extremely awkward before settling on terrifying. Why were the group really invited over?
We talk about the importance of leaving as soon as things a party as soon as things become irredeemably awkward; the redundancy of going somewhere that requires you to observe social norms when you have no intention to observe social norms; and we finally discuss a mathematical formula for deciding if you should leave the house.
All of which leads to one big question:
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
Forgiveness doesn't have to wait. I'm free to forgive myself and so are you. It's a beautiful thing. It really is.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 81... and Jason Voorhees is back to Crystal Lake...
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993) tells the story of Diana and Jessica Kimble, two women whose lives are turned upside down by the return of Jason Vorhees. As it transpires, both women are members of the Voorhees family, and only they can stop Jason's rampage. Also Jason can now possess people...
We talk about recommended improvements to the aim of a team of armed FBI sharpshooters; the dangers of staying in a town where most of your demographic have been murdered; and the benefits of using your previously-demonstrated magical powers when faced with adversity.
All of which leads to one big question:
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
Jason Voorhees makes me think of a little girl in a pink dress sticking a hot dog through a doughnut.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 80... and you weren't supposed to help her...
The Ring (2002) tells the story of Rachel Keller, a woman who falls foul of a cursed videotape. The curse means that anyone who watches the video tape will die exactly seven days after they see it - and after Rachel's son watches the video too, the race is on to find out what's really going on.
We talk about how quick-fix internet marketing could save your life; the merits of recognising when your behaviour is upsetting wild animals; and the importance of keeping your drains clear of waste foods.
All of which leads to one big question:
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
What is it with podcasts? You take one person's tragedy and force the world to experience it... spread it like sickness.
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.
It's episode 79... and possession is nine tenths of the law...
The Exorcist (1973) tells the story of Chris MacNeil, a hollywood actress whose daughter, Regan becomes possessed by a demon. Will enlisting the help of a local priest be enough to save Regan's soul?
We talk about the necessity of stringent diagnostic criteria in modern medicine; the benefits of trusting your colleagues in tense situations; and the importance of listening to experts of all kinds - especially when you've brought them in to do a specific job.
All of which leads to one big question:
How would you survive?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...
The power of Christ compels you!
Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.